


Wake Up

by Insomniasland



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Blood and Injury, Car Accidents, F/F, Heavy Angst, Insecurity, Pining, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29756400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insomniasland/pseuds/Insomniasland
Summary: Funny thing about time; you think you have it. You think you have all the time in the world to say I love you.Until you don't.Until you find out it's too late and someone else already did.But what if it's not even real?
Relationships: Han Dong | Handong/Lee Yubin | Dami, Kim Bora | SuA/Lee Siyeon
Comments: 90
Kudos: 182





	1. Mistake

Shit.

Worst mistake anyone could ever make? Drink. Not just a bottle of beer or a glass of wine. A whole bunch of various alcohols in one go. No, there was something even worse than that. 

To wake up naked next to her best friend who was her manager. Not to mention she was in love with the said girl’s childhood friend who was the stylist for her in the company she modelled for which happened to be Siyeon’s another close friend.

That was a really fucked up situation she had no idea how to get out of.

She glanced at the sleeping girl next to her. She always thought Minji and Bora were meant to be together. They had a bond Siyeon wished to have someday. She never really maintained friendships for long. After every graduation she removed everyone in her life for no reason whatsoever.

It felt like a clean, fresh page but that came with a price. Loneliness. 

During college, she met Minji in the cafeteria and they hit it off quickly. Then Minji introduced Bora to her. Best and worst day ever.

Best, because she fell in love at first sight. 

Worst, because she wasn’t someone who believed in love. She never saw herself enough to have someone’s unconditional love. Not because she was ugly or anything, she was a model of course she was appealing to the eye but the insides? Not so much. 

Growing up, people always told her she was fat or had too many acnes. They bullied her every day. Told her she was ugly, no one loved her nor would ever love her, she was annoying and some people even told her to kill herself.

At some point in her life, she started to believe them. 

But to prove them wrong, she started to exercise and do daily routines for her acnes until they started to disappear. All the people who bullied her, now envied her.

But their words got stuck with Siyeon. She only told this story to Bora while she was wasted and asked her to keep it a secret which she did.

It was the only thing Siyeon never wanted to remember, the only thing she wanted to erased from her mind.

To people observing her through every photoshoot, every runway, every event, she looked confident. Someone that would only love themselves. Someone selfish. But that was all just an act. She was the exact opposite.

When people had no self-love, it made it harder for others to fall in love with them. 

She didn’t have much concern though; she knew they’d be gone after graduation. 

Expect they didn’t. 

Siyeon started to model for a company, people immediately loved her sharp facial features, her fit, smooth body. Her face became her asset. It wasn’t really by choice though, Minji made it happen. She just went with the flow. 

Then the unexpected happened. Minji became her manager and Bora… she became her personal stylist which meant lots of touching.

Every day.

Her feelings never faded, only got stronger. 

Inevitably, the three got closer. But still, what they had was nowhere near the two of them had. Siyeon envied them. Really. 

According to Bora, Minji was the clingy girl in middle school she couldn’t shake off her tail. Accepting her faith, Bora let her befriend her.

According to Minji, however, Bora was this popular, bitch, wannabe girl who had bad friends. She just wanted to save her from the toxic environment so she could bloom truly. 

So she did.

To this amazing girl she was now.

She loved her. She didn’t love herself but she loved her. But she could never make a move. She wasn’t enough for a girl like Kim Bora. A girl like her deserved the world. She deserved someone like Minji. One day, she knew the two would end up together eventually. It was bound to happen. What they had couldn’t be just friendship love. 

Minji had everything. 

She was the best person in the world, she was kind, hardworking, beautiful as a Goddess, talented, a pure heart with no bad intention to anyone.

If a murderer was about to kill Minji, she would offer them a cookie before they did. That much kind. 

But if a murderer was about to kill someone she loved, Minji would offer herself instead, she would die for her loved ones. 

She was perfect for Bora. 

Now, she fucked that up too. How could she even explain it to Bora that she had sex with her best friend who she probably loved? She was going to think of her differently. Maybe cut her friendship with her and quit from her job to leave them. 

The thought of not seeing Bora for a day was unbearable. 

How could she do this? 

She should’ve known better than to drink that much.

She was so stupid.

Siyeon shoved off the blanket and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She sat there with her head in her hands as regret washed over her. Searching for her clothes, she found a t-shirt on the floor and put it over her head. 

A soft groan came from the girl lying next to her as she was fixing her messy blonde hair. “My head…”

“Morning.” Siyeon mumbled before going to bathroom to do her morning routine. When she came back, she found her manager asleep. Maybe she didn’t remember. She hoped that she didn’t. She’d take this secret to the grave. 

“Minji, wake up seriously.” Siyeon poked her side, “We have to talk.” 

Another groan. “Let me sleep.” 

She shoved the blanket off her body and left her butt naked. She avoided looking at some parts but she couldn’t miss the way her body was covered in hickeys. God, she looked assaulted. Much like her body.

How was she going to explain this to Bora…

Finally, Minji sat up on the bed with her eyes half closed. She ran her fingers through her black hair and sighed. Unable to look at some certain parts, Siyeon threw her a pillow. “Cover your body.”

“You sound like you didn’t fuck it last night.”

“I’m so sorry, Minji. I don’t want this to affect our professional and personal relationship. I was drunk, you were drunk and-“

“It won’t affect anything, Siyeon, I promise you.” Minji sighed, “It was a mistake.”

“It was.” Siyeon bit her lip nervously, “We shouldn’t tell anyone…”

She laughed, “Are you afraid of what people will think? You are 25, I think you are allowed to have sex.”

“Not with my manager!” Siyeon argued.

Her gaze crashed into hers, “Your best friend.” Minji corrected.

Sighing, Siyeon sat beside the older one, “We shouldn’t… we can’t tell Bora.” 

Pure horror on her face, “Oh no. No, no.” Panicked, Minji crawled back in bed till her back hit the headboard. “Oh my god, Bora…” 

Minji looked like she had seen a ghost. Her face became pale all of a sudden, her eyes widened and she started biting her nails. 

Siyeon expected this kind of reaction. Minji probably loved Bora just as much Bora loved her. 

“I won’t tell her.” Siyeon promised, “I will take it to my grave.” 

“She is going to kill me,” Minji whispered to herself repeatedly. Over and over again how Bora was going to kill her if she found out.

“Hey, calm down. I swear I won’t tell anyone.” 

“I-I should go. You have a photoshoot today. In-“ She glanced at the time, “two hours. Get ready. Cover the hickeys yourself. Don’t let the make-up artists see those.” Minji ordered as she stood up to put on her clothes.

“Okay…” 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” 

Why was she panicking so much? Were they dating already? Did she just cheat on her or something? Bora wouldn’t be necessary, Siyeon would be the one killing Minji herself, if that was the case. But they would’ve said something to her. Right?

“Siyeon, don’t be late okay? I’ll be waiting there.” With that she left her apartment. 

Her apartment was a penthouse that the company rented for her. The CEO, Miss Handong was very fond of her, she claimed that Siyeon was her favorite among the other models. 

So, having the money to spare, she rented the best penthouse she could ever find with a king sized bed, full glass walls, modern furniture and a great Seoul view. It even had a fireplace. Bora’s favorite thing about her apartment was the fireplace.

They’d spend nights cuddling, all three of them in front of it with bottles of wines and pleasant conversation. 

Those nights were the happiest Siyeon would feel in her entire life. There were no responsibilities, no cameras, no eyes watching over her move every second, no liabilities. 

She’d be free in the arms of her best friends. 

Sometimes Bora would make her the special drink she used to make during college parties. Sometimes Siyeon would make her, her own special drink. Sometimes they’d roast marshmallows or make s’mores. 

But in the end, the three would always be together. It didn’t matter she felt like third wheeling most of the time, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how many nights she cried herself to sleep after they left, she wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

She didn’t feel alone with them. The pain was worth it.

She’d love and stay with Bora till the end of her days even if it meant being her bridesmaid for the wedding or holding her bouquet while they said the vows and how much they love each other. 

The only thing that was important that Bora would be in her life. 

It took her about thirty minutes to cover all the hickeys Minji left behind. Another thirty to have a breakfast and get ready.

After another thirty minutes she was greeted by the newly hired assistant of the CEO.

“Oh, hello.” Gahyeon bowed her head out of respect and Siyeon sent her a warm smile in return. She loved the young girl. She was too kind and cute - specially with her faded pink hair - for this cruel world.

“Hey, cutie. How are you doing?” 

“I’m good! I was going out to buy my boss a cup of coffee. Would you like some?” She offered kindly. 

“If it won’t be a trouble,” Siyeon took out few bucks from her pocket and gave it to the younger girl, “Iced Americano would be great.”

“You got it.” 

“Be careful!” Siyeon called out after her when she crossed the road without looking left and right. “Kids…” 

“You want kids already?” A voice startled her from behind and she’d know this voice anywhere. 

With a panicked expression from seeing the girl she had just betrayed, “No,” Siyeon muttered nervously, walking side by side with the love of her life to the shooting area. “Gahyeon was being reckless.” 

“I adopted her as mine long ago, she is my child.” Bora said, “Why were you late? I have to prep you, come on.” 

Why was she late? Good question, she was regretting her life choices. 

Bora hurriedly gave her the suit she was supposed to wear for this photoshoot. They were promoting a big label’s women suits for the time being and Siyeon was the perfect girl for it with her short blonde hair, tomboy fashion and buffed body.

The suit was blue and it was a little oversized but not too much. Just enough. With a black turtle neck underneath, she was done. Bora stood behind her in front of the big mirror and leaned her chin on the younger girl’s shoulder. 

“You look hot.” Bora stated against her ear. 

Shrugging, she averted her gaze from the brown haired woman. Her heart was racing a mile at the proximity of the older girl. It was the same every fucking day. She was sure her heart was going to come out of her mouth. 

“What’s wrong? You look a bit down, today.” Bora asked, concern evident in her voice. 

Guilt. Sadness. Emptiness. She couldn’t even look Bora in the eyes. “I’m okay. Rough night.” 

“You sure?” 

Siyeon nodded. 

“Minji came home looking like absolute shit. A rough night like you.” Bora chuckled, “Okay, get your makeup and hair done.”

If the make-up artists saw the hickeys peeking out here and there, they covered it not making it obvious to anyone. The relief that rushed through her when they didn’t say anything calmed the storms inside her a little.

She sighed. It was the same shit every day. She was tired of putting on a makeup, posing for the cameras, ignoring every part of her that screamed to quit and find what she truly loved.

But what did she even love?

“Where is my model?” Their CEO came to the studio with the brightest smile, brightest hair color she could find which was orange, elegant as ever, two cups of coffee in her hands followed by her assistant Gahyeon. 

Seeing her boss always gave her sense of calmness. She was the most hardworking human she ever met. Handong was a year younger than her yet she had built this empire all on her own. She gave the best advices to Siyeon, never ever treated her staff like shit and made them all feel loved. 

Best boss anyone could ever ask for. 

Her eyes landed on Siyeon who was getting her hair done and handed her the coffee she asked for in the morning. “My little one said this is for you.” 

Gahyeon waved through the mirror, a goofy smile on her lips, “You look hot!” She mouthed the words.

It was always you look hot; no one saw the girl underneath. No one cared enough to know beyond her looks.

“Thanks.” She said addressing the both of them. 

“Where is your manager?” Handong asked politely, her eyes roaming the studio. 

Panic evident in her eyes, she rambled “She- she should be here uh- soon?”

“Are you asking me?” 

“Hey, boss. Morning. She came home late last night, should be here any second don’t worry.” Bora jumped in the conversation to save her ass. 

“Alright, then. After this, Yoohyeon will join you.” 

Yoohyeon was her colleague, a fellow model. Fit body, grey hair, tall and beautiful as fuck. But they weren’t just colleagues. They had a good friendship too. They weren’t as close as Minji or Bora but she felt comfortable around her.

“Oh?” 

Scowling, “Didn’t your manager tell you?” The CEO asked.

“We- we didn’t talk much last night…” 

A slight incline of her head, a regal acknowledgement. “Very well. Good luck!” Handong said loud enough for everyone to hear.

The day went on rather awkward for Siyeon. Minji came by after an hour thankfully without any hickeys showing and they tried to avoid each other throughout the day. 

Bora wasn’t stupid, she realized the tension between the two of them. Even asked if they had a fight which they agreed on immediately. It was easier to say they had an argument than sex. 

Siyeon’s chest tightened every time Bora smiled at her behind the cameras, encouraging her with thumps up. She felt awful already and lying was the cherry on top. 

She was so fucking stupid.

She ruined everything. Every chance to be with the woman of her dreams. Even if they were to date, Bora would leave her after finding out, first the sex and then lying about it.

Maybe they should come clean. 

“Minji,” Siyeon pulled her to the side when Bora was busy choosing another outfit for her to wear. “We should tell her.”

Minji’s eyes widened, “Do you want me to die?!” She whisper-yelled at her.

“Why would you die? Aren’t we all friends? A mistake has been made but we will make it worse by lying and she-“

Minji stopped her rambling by gently holding her shoulders, “If we tell her, she will forgive you but she will never talk to me again.” Calm, tempered words sliced with anger.

“But why?” Siyeon asked softy.

Pause. Uncertainty on the older one’s face. Then her face became a mask with no emotions. “Just trust me. You can’t feel worse than I do.”

Maybe, she didn’t want to risk their relationship.

“But I feel so bad… it was just a mistake Minji.” Siyeon gazed at the girl smiling to another staff, “She will understand. It happens when you are drunk.”

“You swore you’d never tell her, Siyeon.” Minji let go of her shoulders, “We can’t tell her. I don’t want to lose her.” Her voice got softer, “please…”

Sighing, she gave in. “Fine.” 

Bora’s eyes locked with hers and she sent her a wink before getting back to work, her heart skipped a beat. Few beats. Maybe it even stopped. 

The effect she had on Siyeon would be the death of her.

The rest of the day was a blur. She finished her solo photoshoot then did a couples shoot with Yoohyeon. They looked like married rich lesbian couple if she was honest with herself. 

“Have you heard Handong has a secret girlfriend?” Yoohyeon whispered in between shoots.

“Girlfriend? She has different girls every week.” Siyeon laughed.

“No but like a permanent one! I’ve heard she is a doctor.”

“Oh fancy!”

Time to time, she could’ve sworn she saw Bora glaring at Yoohyeon. She wasn’t sure what she saw in her eyes. Possessiveness, jealousy, anger? It seemed like all of them combined. 

But it was probably her eyes seeing whatever she wanted to see. Kim Bora jealous of a girl like Siyeon? Possessive even? It was impossible. She wasn’t worth her love. 

Her mind loved playing tricks with her. Cruel, really. Minji was the one for her.

When they were leaving the company, Bora suggested to have a dinner together but the two girls said no faster than the flash. They needed time apart from each other even just for a night. To think and to make better choices.

With one last warning glance at Siyeon, Minji left the two alone to go back to her apartment and rest. 

“You two were weird today.” Bora noted as they waited for the uber driver Siyeon called.

“Yeah, we had a little fight. No big deal.” Siyeon shrugged.

“It is a little weird that you two won’t tell me what it is about.”

“Manager kind of shit. She wants me to… uh-“ Siyeon paused to think of a lie, “attend events I don’t want to.”

“Really?” Bora frowned, “Maybe Handong pressures her?” 

Siyeon swallowed the lump that formed on her throat. “I don’t know but yeah. It’s nothing, we’ll find a way…” She answered softy, “We always do.”

“That’s right! Friends can’t be mad at each other for so long.”

“Would you forgive us if we did something… tremendously awful?”

“Depends, I guess.” Bora took a step closer to Siyeon, her eyes travelling to her lips and then back at her eyes. “I wouldn’t want to lose you,” Bora said, “both.” She added.

Heart in her throat, Siyeon swallowed hard. When was she going to get used to Bora being so close to her? It happened too often. 

“I wouldn’t either.”

The car pulled over right in front of them and Bora pulled her closer by her waist to hug her tightly. Siyeon nuzzled her nose on her neck and inhaled her beautiful scent. She could feel Bora doing the same but again, it was probably her mind playing tricks.

Bora tightened her grip as if she didn’t want to let her go just yet. “Be careful on your way home. Call me when you arrive.”

It was Bora’s cute habit to make Siyeon send a text or call after arriving home. Wherever she was, whatever the time was, Bora would always wait for a text then go to sleep.

Her caring side was adorable. 

“Yes, don’t I always?” Siyeon chuckled and pulled away from the suffocating hug. However, Bora stayed close, putting the hair that got loose behind her ear. Her face flushed. Her cheeks literally burned under her touch. 

She was acting like it was the last time they’d see each other.

“See you tomorrow.” Bora smiled at her, opening the back door for her like a gentlewoman she was. 

Laughing, “You know it. How could you live without me?” Siyeon joked climbing at the back seat.

“Ah… I can’t. I really can’t.” Bora said closing the door. Her tone wasn’t as playful as Siyeon’s. No, she was dead serious. 

Which caused the younger girl to blush even deeper shade of red. After giving the driver her address, she waved at Bora, sending her a kiss. “Be careful.”

The car started to move but Bora remained in her spot, she looked uncomfortable, uneasy, like she was about to chase down Siyeon. As if she had a bad feeling. Why the sudden mood change? 

As the time passed, she was too engrossed in her own thoughts; her thoughts were just Bora. It was always Bora. The air she breathed was Bora. She was just as much essential. 

But she noticed the car taking a turn, the curtains of the window were closed making it impossible to see the flashlights. 

In movies, they said life would flash through their eyes before death.

No, it wasn’t like that at all.

She never saw the truck coming, only felt the impact of it.

Then there was nothing.


	2. Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw / blood

Siyeon sat bolt upright in her bed with a gasp. Her eyes shot wide open, her breathing fast and uneven. 

What the fuck.

First thing she did was to check if Minji was here. She wasn’t. And she wasn’t naked. She was all alone like every other morning.

Did that mean everything was just a sick nightmare? So it meant she didn’t betray Bora. She didn’t have to live with this burden! She didn’t have sex with Minji! Thank fucking God.

The nightmare was too vivid though, she remembered every detail of it, all of the conversations. Weird thing was, she literally felt the impact of the truck hitting her side of the car, throwing it away like a piece of paper.

Then she woke up.

All she could feel was the pain from the truck hitting her side of the car. What kind of a nightmare was this? She had never experienced something like it before. She was certain that no one did either.

She cracked her neck, stretched her body and made her way to the kitchen to drink some water to shake off the nightmare. But her mind was repeating it like a broken record. She lived a whole day realistically in her dream. Scientists said, anyone could live a whole movie in their dreams but in reality it was just few seconds. 

She tried not to think much because what good came from overthinking?

What were the odds of having a suit photoshoot today? She scoffed at her own joke as she put down the glass. Since her manager didn’t call her to scold her for being late, she figured she had enough time to make herself a cup of coffee.

She felt incredibly happy that it was just a dream. That she didn’t have drunk sex with Minji. For the first time in God knew how long, she felt that spark inside of her. The excitement of going to work she didn’t choose and let Bora dress her, let Minji boss her around, talk to her boss about life in her break time, annoy her fellow model with lame jokes, baby the little assistant of the CEO. 

For the first time, she didn’t feel like a zombie. That was how she normally felt. She was just this model girl everybody envied because she was ‘hot’. Because she had a ‘hot’ face and body. She did her job, smiled through her internal pain and kept living this life that was chosen for her.

Why? She was hot. Nothing more. So Minji made sure she put that into good use and turned it into money. Her body and her face was her asset. Not her sweet, kind personality. No one loved or cared about that. She didn’t either after a while. All she had to do was to take care of her assets and it would be fine. 

But, it didn’t matter. It was all just a dream, she was still a good friend to Bora. Their friendship was secure for now. 

She sat on the sofa that faced the glass wall and brought the cup to her lips taking a sip of her morning coffee as she watched the sunrise in silence. 

She wondered what would she be if she wasn’t a model? Would she be doing something she enjoyed? Would she enjoy life like that? 

Did she even know herself outside of model life? Or after faking a confidence for so long, it just became a part of her? She couldn’t even tell the difference anymore.

She had no idea who she really was nor did she want to look for herself anymore. It was already too late. She had to ride the path she didn’t choose and suck it up.

She had no other choice.

Well, her moment of peace didn’t last long.

The phone started to ring before she could even drink the half of her coffee. She picked it up on the second ring, “Yes?”

“You are late.” Her manager sighed, “Where are you?” 

“Drinking coffee.” She answered unfazed by the scolding. 

“Well, drink faster.” Minji said, “I don’t remember if I’ve informed you but after your solo shooting, Yoohyeon will join you.”

Wait. Like the dream?

“Is it a suit shoot?” Siyeon asked, “For a big brand?” 

“Yes. Did I forget to mention that? Anyway. Get your ass here as soon as possible or help me God-“ 

Siyeon hung up on her face, not having it with her manager in this fine morning. It was a little strange that, this day was going according to the dream she had but she figured it wasn’t a big deal. She did a lot of suit photoshoots anyway.

After finishing her coffee in peace and not at all hurriedly, she made her way to her agency. 

When she arrived, Gahyeon greeted her by the door, “Oh, hello!” She bowed her head slightly. 

Smiling, “Hey, how are you?” Siyeon asked. 

“I’m good! I was going out to buy my boss a cup of coffee. Would you like some?” She offered kindly.

Okay, it was starting to get a little creepy. 

“Uh… no. Look left and right, okay?” Siyeon said and Gahyeon nodded as she left the building but this time she checked both sides of the road before crossing it. 

Good. She was just being paranoid. 

She started walking towards the studio but before she could even take three steps, she heard her angry manager, “Siyeon-ah!”

It didn’t matter if Minji was mad at her, she was too grateful and happy that they haven’t slept together so she wrapped her arms around the taller girl’s neck hugging her tight, “God, I’ve had the weirdest dream, Minji…”

Confused, Minji patted her back and let out an airy laugh, “What was it about?”

“Ah long story short, we both betrayed a very small person.” Siyeon explained without further details as they walked side by side to the studio.

“Bora?” 

“Yeah. The crazy thing is, I had an accident in the end then I woke up. But you can’t believe how realistic it was.” 

“Intense. I’ll push you under a bus if you are late again.” Minji warned with a slight hint of amusement in her voice. 

“Alright just admit you miss me.” A smile creased her face.

“Oh, shut up. Bora is waiting you come on.” With a roll of an eye she urged Siyeon to go towards the dressing rooms where Bora was waiting. 

Her breath got caught up in her throat at the sight of her. A relief rushed through her veins once again. She didn’t betray her. She was still eligible for being her friend. 

“Someone finally decided to show up.” Bora smiled and leaned up to kiss her cheek. Her skin burned with the touch of her lips. 

Before Siyeon could protest, she was shoved into a dressing cabin with the outfit she was supposed to wear. A blue suit. Just like the one she wore in her dream. Weird. Nevertheless, it looked good on her. 

“You look hot.” Bora squeezed her shoulders in emphasis as she stood behind her, watching her through the mirror. After a moment of silence, Bora admiring the suit, Siyeon trying to stay calm under her intense gaze, the stylist went back to work and checked her outfit to see if it needed fixing. 

It didn’t.

“Get your makeup and hair done.” Bora said. 

The rest of the shoot went by quickly. She finished her first solo shoot, tried on couple of outfits and yes she had mini heart attacks whenever Bora stepped in the dressing cabin to help her out.

The CEO came by to check up on her and the photoshoot. “Hey dear. How are you doing?” 

Siyeon smiled, “Very good. Just waiting Yoohyeon right now. How are you?” 

“Good. Is your manager around?” Handong asked softly, glancing around the studio. 

“I have no idea, actually. She disappeared a while back.” Siyeon said, her expression unruffled. 

“Alright, then. Yoohyeon should be here any-“

“Here!” 

They both turned around to see the tall, elegant and breathtakingly beautiful girl walking towards them with a signature smile of hers. 

She was ethereal, honestly. Boys wanted her and girls wanted to be her. Everyone envied the beauty of her friend. Truth be told, so did she. Siyeon could only dream to be someone like her. People acknowledged her beauty but her inner beauty didn’t go unnoticed. They saw the kind, honest, considerate girl.

Complete opposite of Siyeon. 

She didn’t envy her looks, no, no. She just wished people saw beyond her looks as well. But it was okay, wasn’t it? As long as she was ‘hot’, it would be fine. They’d love her.

She would endure it.

“I will see myself out, have fun!” Handong waved at the girls before leaving them alone. 

Yoohyeon was wearing a grey suit with a white shirt and a loose tie on her neck. Her grey hair matching the outfit was falling down her shoulders gracefully. Even with this tomboy outfit, she looked classy. How did she do that?

“We will look like a rich lesbian couple.” Yoohyeon chuckled, “I mean we are both gay as hell but you know what I mean.”

“I think the first rule of getting a job in this agency is to be gay.” 

It was true, almost everyone in the agency was either gay or bisexual. Starting with the CEO herself who had different girls (pets as Minji would call them) in her office almost every week. Siyeon was fifty percent sure that their boss was changing girls like an underwear.

Maybe she wanted to build a safe place for anyone and only hired gays. Who knew? Because once there was a man who was supposedly homophobic and Handong fired him the next day. 

There was no confirmation but everyone believed it. 

She truly loved her boss. 

“Right?” Yoohyeon clicked her tongue, “Can’t stand gays.”

“Can’t stand them, can’t live without them.” Siyeon said and soon they both started to laugh like mad women which earned few odd looks.

Bora arched an eyebrow at the sight, face absolutely expressionless and again, a hint of jealousy in her eyes but Siyeon shrugged it off. She was probably imagining things.

“Let’s go, ladies.” Their photographer called out.

“Let’s get this over with.”

So they did. It was pretty fun actually. The girls acted like an actual couple. Maybe, deep down, she hoped it would make Bora jealous but whenever they were being gay, Bora was nowhere to be seen.

Gahyeon stopped by few times to observe the shooting, interested in being a model but lack of confidence forced her into a being an assistant instead. She saw herself in the younger girl. 

Her first few months as a model was a nightmare. She couldn’t even pose straight. It wasn’t her intention to be a model. Minji was the one who sent photos of her to agencies. She got lucky that it wasn’t a fraud company that had called her.

She always thought Minji should’ve been the one posing for the cameras or walking down on a runway. Or Bora for that matter, they were even more beautiful.

Siyeon made a mental note to talk to Gahyeon one day. She could encourage her or give her few tips if she’d like.

Gahyeon was made for something bigger than an assistant. 

When the shooting was done, she changed into her casual clothes and watched Bora take away the outfits she had used today. 

“Are you going to watch or help?” Bora asked, her tone a little annoyed. She sounded mad at her. Did she do something wrong?

“Watch.” Siyeon answered, causing the stylist to roll her eyes and get back to her business. 

She was being strange. 

“Si, do you want to grab dinner with us?” Minji approached her, a coffee in her hand.

“If you give me that,” She pointed at the cup, “I will consider.” 

Without a second thought, she handed it to her. “Okay!” Siyeon exclaimed happily.

About an hour later, the three of them stumbled upon a newly opened restaurant and decided to try it out. The wall on the right had a library filled with books from floor to ceiling and there was a giant flat-screen in the back of the restaurant if anyone felt like watching a TV. The light was dim and romantic, few candles on each table. Soft classical music playing in the background.

It was a perfect combination of classy and casual. 

She requested a table on the right side of the room to be close to the books and she noticed how the two sat closer than usual.

“Remind me to build a library in my apartment.” Siyeon muttered admiringly. 

“Like you read books.” Minji said and Bora choked back what suspiciously sounded like a laugh.

“I do!” The model pouted, formed her arms over her chest.

“Name the last book you’ve read.” Minji challenged her.

Calculation filled her gaze, “I-“ Sighing, she accepted the fail. She had no time to read books. Whenever she had time, she spent it with her closest friends or just relaxed in her apartment.

The older ones shared a laugh. If Bora was mad back at the company, she wasn’t now. 

The waiter took their orders and Siyeon brought the wine glass to her lips taking a long sip. Another night as a third wheel, she thought. 

Her heart clenched, as it always did whenever she was with the two of them but she swallowed it down. 

“Have you guys noticed Gahyeon’s interest in being a model?” Siyeon asked to her friends.

“Oh yeah, she asked me few times how you became one!” Minji said, finally her nervous aura dropping a little.

Siyeon could tell they had something to say to her but she wasn’t eager to find out yet. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good news by the way they were acting.

“Remember how Siyeon didn’t talk to you for few days when you sent her photos without permission.” Bora laughed. 

Shrugging, “In my defense, it was rude.” Siyeon said.

Because back then she was still trying to figure out what she wanted to be. Who she wanted to be. This path was literally given to her out of nowhere. She figured, might as well turn her assets to money and completely forgot to chase her dreams. 

The dreams she didn’t even remember anymore. 

“Rude?” Minji took offense, “You couldn’t see the potential in you so I had to take action!” she argued. 

“You could’ve asked me first.”

“Would you have said yes?”

“No.” 

“Exactly.”

The waiter brought over their meals, Siyeon ordered a steak with sweet potato and a simple salad while the two ordered only pasta.

They thanked him and started eating in silence. All throughout the dinner, the older ones kept exchanging nervous looks with each other. There was a silent communication going on between them. Bora remained quiet most of the dinner which was odd, kept her gaze on her meal and Minji did the talking. 

When they were finished and waiting for the deserts, Bora coughed lightly. She nudged the taller girl’s side few times. Minji rubbed the back of her neck anxiously and shook her head no.

This was it, wasn’t it? That moment she had been dreading most of her life came knocking on her door.

Siyeon thought, maybe she had at least few more years but guess not.

“Out with it, already.” Siyeon said, her tone edgy. 

“What do you mean, Siyeon-ah?” Minji laughed nervously, taking a long sip from her wine. 

“I know you want to tell me something.” 

Bora shrunk in her seat, the napkin in her hands were shred to pieces. Which meant she was more anxious than she led on. 

She was ready. She had been preparing for it since the moment she figured they’d end up together. 

Dread filled her senses. “You guys are fucking aren’t you?” Siyeon asked in disbelief. 

Minji sighed defeated, “Look, it’s just… we were drunk and one thing led to another and…” She trailed off, not bothering to complete her sentence. 

“When?” Tears pricked. She refused to let them rise.

“Few weeks ago.”

With arms folded over her chest, Siyeon swallowed hard. It was expected. She even prepared herself for it. But hearing it in flesh was a whole other story. 

Who was she to think she could ever have a chance with Kim Bora? She was no one compared to Minji. Of course she’d choose her. 

But she felt betrayed too. Not because Bora didn’t choose her but because they had lied to her. Weren’t best friends supposed to stay honest to each other no matter what?

“So you’ve lied to me for weeks?” Siyeon figured it’d be easier to focus on the anger instead of sorrow.

“We didn’t how you’d take it.” Minji said softly, “After that night, we thought maybe we should give us a chance, you know? We’ve been friends since forever…” 

The only sound she could hear was her rapid heartbeat and the lump in her throat got bigger, harder to swallow. Minji kept explaining how it happened, how they were too drunk to think clearly and unconsciously her mind went to her dream where they had sex because of one hell of a night. 

Tears welled in her eyes. Siyeon shot a quick look downward so they wouldn’t see how much she was affected by it. She was just a third wheel, a friend that joined the girls later in life. She was nothing. She had no right to be angry about to two dating other than the growing ache in her heart.

Siyeon focused on the anger of the two of them lying to her. They knew how insecure the girl was, how she was afraid of being left behind by people so she did the leaving behind part most of her life to avoid this kind of situation. 

“I don’t care if you two date-“ Oh but she did, “I care that you lied to me.”

Tears formed in her best friend’s eyes while Bora averted her gaze by all means. “I’m so sorry, we wanted to be sure before telling you.”

“We won’t leave you behind, Si.” Bora’s lips turned sensuous and reached out to touch her hand over the table but she quickly pulled her hand on her lap.

Bullshit, of course they would.

Why couldn’t Bora love her? She was ‘hot’, wasn’t she? She protected her assets, she had somewhat good personality. Why couldn’t she choose her?

Her gaze grew piercing, “Happy for you both.” She said and took out a hundred bucks out of her purse slamming it on the table.

“Siyeon, don’t go, let’s talk about this!” Minji grasped her arm to stop her from going further, “We still love you so much.” She reassured her.

Siyeon scoffed. Yeah, right. 

“I have to go; I’m really tired. Congrats.” Siyeon smiled bitterly and stood up from her seat to basically run out of the restaurant.

“Wait!” Bora called out but she was already out of the restaurant. 

So what if she focused on the anger? If she let the sadness take over, she knew it would crush her. Consume her. 

It was always Minji.

Minji was the one for her. 

Ignoring the taxi on the side walk, she decided walk away as fast as she could. She didn’t look back but she could tell, her friends were yelling behind her, telling her to slow down or come back. 

God… she was mentally prepared for this. She knew it was coming, it was just matter of time so why did it hurt so much? Her two closest friends were leaving her behind. The love of her life, the girl of her dreams loved someone else. She was fucking ready for this. 

Tears streaming down her face, heart aching with every step, she ran.

As soon as she closed the door of her apartment, she let it go. She threw herself into her bed and she cried hysterically, screamed into the night, sobbed on her pillow. 

No, she wasn’t ready… no one was prepared for reality. 

In her imagination it was okay because it wasn’t true, she just thought they’d end up together but always had a little bit of hope that Bora would choose her. But now it wasn’t even a possibility anymore. 

She chose her.

Maybe if she flirted more, maybe if she told Bora about her feelings this wouldn’t have happened. Her lack of confidence always got in the way. She wasn’t worth her love. She didn’t deserve it. Minji was better.

After hours and hours of crying, finally her tears dried out. She was drained. Exhausted. How was she going to go to work and face them?

Oh, there was an alternative. 

She dialed Handong’s number. She picked up at the first ring, “Handong speaking.” 

Even with her state, she smiled at her boss’ formality. “It’s Siyeon, am I-“ hiccup, “bothering you?” 

“What’s wrong?” Concern filled her voice. 

“N-nothing to worry about.” She sniffled, trying to sound as normal as possible. “Can I take few days off?” She asked, voice husky.

“Of course. Where are you? Do you need me to pick you up?” 

“I’m home… it’s all good. Thank you Handong.” She hung up and stared blankly at the city lights through her glass wall.

It’d be good to stay away from them for few days at least. She could cry day and night and then pretend for the rest of her life.

As sleep started to take over her body, she could only think of Bora. Her smile that would melt the face of the earth. Her contagious laugh. Her perky personality. Her lame dad jokes she’d make when Siyeon felt down just to see her smile a little. Her warm cuddles when it was just the two of them in Siyeon’s apartment, legs tangled together, a movie playing in the background. Her soft kisses on her face. Her encouragement before a runway or a photoshoot. Her motherly side, how she took care of her whenever she was sick. Her recklessness. Her protectiveness. Her everything.

She had lost it all to Minji. 

“Let’s go, let’s go!” A man screamed while two guys loaded Siyeon’s body in a stretcher to the ambulance with a collar on her neck. She was covered in thick blood; her face wasn’t recognizable. 

She glanced around in fresh horror, terrified at the sight.

Firemen who got her out of the wrecked car were cleaning up the mess behind. The car was eviscerated. The truck bounced the car across the road, flipped it, tore off the doors and the wheels. It didn’t even look like a car anymore.

Policemen were arresting the driver of the truck. 

Siyeon tried to scream, make a sound, move, anything to let the men know she was here but nothing came out. There was so much noise, all kinds of sirens were mixing together.

“How is the driver?”

“Dead.”

“The girl’s condition isn’t looking good but she has a weak pulse. We might make it in time.” He said, his expression worried as he hooked Siyeon into different monitors, tube down her throat.

The blood was everywhere on Siyeon’s ripped clothes; her blonde hair was now red because of the blood. The skin on her leg and arm were peeled away so she could see the broken bones. There was a vertical tear on her cheek, pretty deep by the looks of it.

The blood flowing out of her cheek covered almost all of her face, got in her mouth too. It terrified the meds. They were trying their best to stop the bleeding. 

Her body was a mess. Aside from broken bones, or blood coming out of her head, she could see another big glass on her stomach. She didn’t feel it but that looked like it hurt. It was a miracle she had a pulse. 

They put bandages on her head to stop the bleeding and she noticed they secured the glass on her stomach so it wouldn’t move and damage her organs more.

“Isn’t this the girl we keep seeing everywhere? The model Lee Siyeon?” The man asked in disbelief.

Yes, it’s me! Siyeon tried to say. 

“Really? How could you tell? Her face is unrecognizable.”

“I don’t know man... It just looks like her. I’m not sure though.” 

"I hope she makes it to the hospital."

She had no idea how she got into the ambulance with them because she couldn’t move a muscle, but she was here as the car started to go in a lighting speed to the nearest hospital, sirens were deafening. 

She was a train wreck as they would call her.

She kept repeating the words over and over again.

I don’t want to die…


	3. Unloved

Siyeon woke up in drenched sweat, her breath got stuck in her throat as if there was no oxygen in the room. Tears pricked in her eyes as she clutched at her shirt, she let the tears fall, not giving a single fuck at that moment as she felt like dying.

Her heart was racing; she was sweating as if there was hell fire around her. She didn’t even feel connected to your body, like she was still living in the nightmare she had just seen.

Her bones were hurting as if they were in wrong angles and she was basically choking on her own blood. She coughed loudly, expected to see blood but nothing came out. It was a dry cough. Her head was aching, she felt the pain on her face and body from the cuts of window glasses, she tasted blood in her mouth but there was no blood. 

She got to her feet shakily but her legs felt too weak, she gripped onto her bed to ease her fall. She just had to open the window to breathe fresh air. Just few steps and she would be there.

Forcing herself to stand up, she finally reached to her window. She opened it with her shaky hands and filled her lungs with fresh air and with the rising of her chest, she started to feel a little bit calmer. She leaned against the window frame and let the cold breeze of the morning wash away the sick nightmare and the panic attack.

Now that she could breathe and felt a lot calmer, she thought back to her nightmare. Normal people didn’t see the continuation of their last nightmare in the next one. Apparently, she was not normal and again, it was too real. 

Was she going to keep seeing this nightmare like a TV show? Every night another episode.

The real question was, was she going to keep feeling the nightmares as if they happened in real life? 

That was so weird. 

She tried not to think too much, people had realistic nightmares all the time and the horror of a nightmare caused them to have a panic attacks. It was weird but it was a common thing. 

She laid back in her bed and stared at the ceiling. The only person she didn’t want to think about popped up in her head. 

Bora.

As pathetic as it sounded, she already missed her stylist.

In attempts to keep her mind busy, she grabbed her phone from the nightstand and her eyes widened with the amount of text messages and calls.

She had fourteen missed calls from Bora and ten from Minji. 

She opened Bora’s text messages. 

Siyeon, I’m so sorry…

Talk to me!

Pick up the phone…

I know you are scared but nothing will change I promise you! 

We are just testing the waters, please don’t leave us because of this.

Siyeon-ah…

You didn’t text me when you got home… I was so worried, I couldn’t sleep. Please talk to me.

Siyeon’s vision got blurry because of the tears so she moved on to Minji’s messages. 

Answer our calls, god damn it Siyeon

Why are you even so mad? 

We shouldn’t have lied but we lied because of this!

You know I love you, right?

We just wanted to wait until we were sure 

Handong told me you are taking few days off? 

I hope you are okay.

I love you.

Tears fell out of her eyes without even noticing. They said they wouldn’t leave her but it was going to happen eventually. 

Yes, she got them worried for a second but in the end they cuddled to sleep together, woke up together unlike Siyeon who woke up all alone every morning. 

They had each other. Siyeon had no one. 

Who would love her? 

She looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, her makeup completely ruined since she forgot to clean it last night, her blonde hair was a mess.

If her nightmare were to be true or happened in real life one day, she would have a big ass scar on her cheek and if she recalled correctly, there was a big piece on her stomach as well. She shivered at the thought of losing the smoothness of her body. Her biggest asset, the only reason people admired her was because of her perfect face.

If she were to lose it, she didn’t know how she would be able to live with herself. 

She didn’t even know who she’d be if she wasn’t a model. Not that she knew now anyway. Modelling defined her.

Without it people would have no reason to love her. God, no. She thanked the universe silently that it was just a sick dream and nothing more. Maybe… some twisted part of her thought it could be the future or… alternative universe but that was way too movie like and it just couldn’t be real. 

After an hour or so, she got out of the bathroom looking and feeling fresh. She took a hot bath, cleaned her ruined makeup and tried to make herself look presentable.

The best way to block her thoughts was to blast loud music through speakers in her penthouse. She hummed along with the song as she made herself a cup of coffee.

It was working, she kept her mind off of you-know-who.

Naked, just in her bathrobe, with a mug in her hand she started to swing with the beat of the song, taking small sips here and there.

Music always had a way of calming her down as long as it wasn’t a depressive type of song. Maybe later during the day, she could open Lana Del Rey and cry but not now when she was feeling a little better.

Her little party came to an end when the door rang. She turned down the music a tad and tightened the robe on her body. With a quick glance at the peephole, she sighed in relief. It was just Yoohyeon.

Opening the door, “Hey, what brings you here?” Siyeon smiled at the younger girl whose eyes traveled on her body before meeting her eyes.

“Boss said you weren’t feeling well and I came to check up on you.” Yoohyeon said, welcoming herself in her apartment as if it was her own. 

She closed the door behind her and followed Yoohyeon to the living room, “You didn’t have to.”

They sat next to each other on the sofa that faced the big glass wall, a magnificent view of Seoul beneath them. 

“I know but I saw Minji today and she asked me if we’ve talked today. She looked so worried about you.” Yoohyeon said softly. “Then I saw Bora. She just sent death glares at me. Does she hate me or something?”

Siyeon scowled, “No… I don’t even think you guys ever had a proper conversation.”

“We didn’t!” Yoohyeon exclaimed, “Oh maybe once. I remember it was for a photoshoot and she was styling me just for one day and she was really rude to me!”

“Bora is not that type of person.” Siyeon defended her friend. If Bora hated her then she must have done something. She wouldn’t hate anyone for no reason.

“I don’t know, Siyeon. I get so nervous around her.”

“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe it was her off day.” Siyeon shrugged.

“Enough about her. What happened to you?” Yoohyeon looked at her with puppy eyes, in hopes of getting an explanation. 

“Do you ever… feel not enough for someone and when that someone finds a better person, it hurts like hell?” Siyeon asked, her tone weak and tiny. 

“Yeah. Sometimes.” Yoohyeon’s gaze fell.

“Well. I’ve had that.” Siyeon lifted her chin up with her index finger, “But you,” Siyeon said, “You are more than enough. Don’t feel like that.” 

“Then why do you?” Yoohyeon questioned, “I can’t lecture you about love because I’ve no idea myself but I know everything starts with ourselves. If you change your perspective or the way your mind works… everything might change.”

“Maybe… I guess you are right.” But it was easier said than done. 

Yoohyeon smiled heartily, “Now tell me why are you naked?” 

Oh. She shot a quick look down at her bathrobe then her head jerked up, “I forgot about that. I took a shower so-“

A ring bell cut her sentence. She wasn’t expecting anyone else. She didn’t even invite Yoohyeon. 

“I’ll open it since you are naked.” Yoohyeon giggled on her way to the door. 

“I have a robe!” Siyeon rolled her eyes but a smile played on her lips. 

She was grateful that the younger girl stopped by to check up on her. Her mood was slightly better than last night. 

“What are you doing here?” A tone so glacial crashed her mood quickly. Bora’s voice to be exact.

No, fuck she wasn’t ready to face her just yet.

“W-what- wait!” 

She heard footsteps getting closer and closer until Bora was looking at her in absolute disbelief. Siyeon stood up from the sofa to greet the uninvited, unwanted guest. Bora’s eyes travelled from her body then back at Yoohyeon who was standing behind her with an apologetic expression. 

“I’ve been worried sick for you but I guess I shouldn’t have been.” Her voice was chill with rage. The way she spoke sent shivers down her spine.

“What are you doing here Bora?” Siyeon asked.

“What is she doing here?” Bora looked back at Yoohyeon, “Leave.” 

“Bora!” Siyeon warned, her jaw clenching. “Go back to your girlfriend.” 

“I- I will leave then.” Yoohyeon whispered, her tone raw. 

Without breaking the eye contact with Bora, “No. Go to my bedroom, will you? Wait for me there Yoohyeon-ah.” 

Bora arched an eyebrow. Siyeon knew how it came across but she didn’t care. Yoohyeon followed her silent command and went to her bedroom quietly, closing the door behind her.

“So, you are fucking her?” the look she shot her wasn’t friendly.

Siyeon almost laughed. Almost. “You are in no position to question who I fuck or not. But no. It’s not what you think. Why are you even here?” 

“Because I wanted to see if you were okay. Clearly you are more than okay.” Bora gritted her teeth. 

“It’s not what you think, she…” The model trailed off.

Two questions in her mind.

First, why was she explaining herself to her? Second, why did Bora care?

“Doesn’t matter. Why are you not with your lying girlfriend?”

Bora’s expression softened, “Siyeon how many times do we have to apologize?”

“Save it.” She sat back on the sofa.

Bora stayed still, “Why is this bothering you so much?” 

“Because two of my closest friends lied to me for weeks!” She raised her voice slightly.

“That’s not the only reason, Siyeon.” Bora said. “I know you. There is more.”

You are supposed to be with me. You are supposed to love me.

“You are delusional.” 

Bora’s head angled slightly to the right, “Am I though?”

Of course there was more. But she would never say it out loud. 

“Please, leave Bora.” 

Her lips thinned in a flat line, her expression emotionless. “Tell me what this is about, Siyeon.” 

“Nothing! I’m happy for you both. What else do you want from me?!” 

“You are pushing us away because you are so scared we are going to leave you behind. So you are getting ready to leave us behind. I won’t let that happen.” Bora kneeled in front of her. It was a dangerous position to say the least but Bora wasn’t looking anywhere other than her eyes. 

“Please, Siyeon.” Bora continued when she remained silent. “Don’t push us away. Tell me why you are so against this idea of us dating. Please be honest with me.”

“I’m not pushing you away, I just-“ Siyeon bit her lip, “Need time to get used to it.” 

Bora sighed and cupped her cheeks softly. Her eyes were telling her that she didn’t believe it, maybe she wanted her to confess here and there only to reject her. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. Never. 

“Is that all, Siyeon?” Bora asked, “You don’t have anything else to say?” 

Siyeon nodded.

“You are okay with us dating then?” Her tone was tired. As if she gave up trying to get it out of her.

Pure silence. She wasn’t okay with it, she felt like dying inside. She wanted Bora to choose her but she was no one compared to her manager. Her beauty was unmatched.

She swallowed hard and nodded again. 

“Fine then. I’ll let you two get back to-“ A pause. “Whatever you were doing. Naked.” 

“Bora,” Siyeon stopped her from standing up, “She came to check up on me just as I got out of shower. We didn’t do anything.” 

“I believe you… I don’t like her though.”

“Why?” 

Shrugging, Bora stood up from the floor and leaned in to give her a soft forehead kiss. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah…” 

She released the breath she didn’t know she was holding when Bora left her apartment. She saw a little bit of jealousy in there or maybe she was tripping but there was no explanation why Bora was rude to Yoohyeon. Now, she understood what the younger girl meant.

“Is she gone?” Yoohyeon peeked through half open door. A relieved sigh left her lips as she saw no one other than Siyeon. “That girl makes me anxious.” 

“I’m sorry for the way she treated you.” Siyeon apologized on her friend’s behalf.

After chatting for hours about Yoohyeon’s life, Siyeon’s issues with Bora, life in general and almost about anything, Yoohyeon excused herself. She was all alone in a giant apartment again. 

This time, she turned on the depressive music. Yes To Heaven By Lana Del Rey. She had her eye on Bora, alright. 

She should’ve known better than to do a photoshoot in the freezing weather and under the fucking rain. 

Now her throat was sore, it hurt to cough, she felt like coughing out her lungs every time and she didn’t know much about fevers but she was pretty sure she was burning up. 

Downside of living alone? Having no one to take care of her. But it was okay, she took medicine and if she could just manage to fall asleep it would be fine. She was always alone; this was no exception.

She wiped her runny nose with a tissue and threw it away from her bed. The city lights beneath were shining bright; people were just trying to get to their homes in Christmas. The full moon was visible from her bed and if she could maybe just squint her eyes, it would get clear for her. Even with no light in her room, the moon’s light made it dim. 

Bora and Minji were probably celebrating together. They were in each other’s lives since childhood, always celebrated together. Of course they’d be together, Siyeon wasn’t offended at all. Alone? Yes. Upset? No.

She shivered. She already had three blankets on top of her but she was still cold. It was freezing actually as if she was stuck in a snow storm in Antarctica.

A sneeze. Then another one. Followed by a cough. God she hated this.

“Bless you.”

Siyeon should’ve went full on defense mode as to hearing a new voice in her home but she’d know her voice anywhere and she was too exhausted to even move.

“I told you, she would be sick.”

“I know, I know. I should’ve cancelled that photoshoot.”

“You know how fragile she is.” 

“But it was a big opportunity okay?”

“Sometimes you make me want to be her manager instead. Jesus,” A hand on her forehead, “She is burning up.” 

“Bora,” Siyeon whispered, voice raspy due to coughing her lungs out every two seconds.

“I’m here, love.” Bora leaned down to kiss her head, “Let’s strip you.” 

Her blankets were yanked away from her body one by one which she grunted in response, “Gimme, it’s so cold.”

“Shhh, let me take care of you. We’ve brought you chicken soup too but we need to get your body temperature down a little.” Bora responded as she helped her sit up on the bed. 

Having no energy in her body anymore, she leaned against Bora’s body while Minji took off her pajamas to leave her just in underwear. What kind of a torture was this? It was fucking freezing. 

“I know, it must look like a punishment rather than help but just trust us, okay?” Minji caressed her cheek as she clung to Bora’s body for any warmth really. She could hug the sun right now for all she cared.

Bora freed herself from her smothering hold and gently positioned her head on the soft pillow. “Cold shower or cold wet towel?”

“Nothing cold, it’s cold, please,” Siyeon mumbled as she drew her knees to herself to lay in a fetal position, her body shivering from the cold. Why were they doing this?

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” She heard Bora’s sweet, soothing voice.

“Wet towels, I’ll prepare them. I don’t think she can lift her head up let alone go to shower. If it doesn’t work, hospital it is.” Minji’s leader voice. She’d know it everywhere.

With Bora’s soft massages on her scalp, she began to let the darkness take her to some place warm, it would’ve been whole lot easier.

But both sides of the bed collapsed slightly, she noticed Bora’s hauntingly beautiful scent in front of her and Minji’s rich scent behind. 

“I’m sorry, I never should’ve made you take that photoshoot.” Minji said right before applying a really, really cold and wet towel on her forehead. 

“It’s fine, I’m-“ a sneeze she barely had time to cover cut her sentence, “fine,” Siyeon tried to take that torture device on her head. How cruel. She was about to freeze to death. 

“Hey, it will be okay. I’ve got you. We need to lower your fever.”

“Why are you-“ A cough, “here? It’s Christmas.” Did her voice change?

“We are celebrating right now.” Minji chuckled and took the cold tower on her forehead to place it on her chest. No matter how many times she struggled to stop it, her hands were caught by Bora. Just to feel her tiny hands on hers, she remained still and let Minji kill her with cold.

“You think we’d celebrate it without you?” Bora asked, her tone in disbelief.

Well, last year they didn’t invite Siyeon…

“Si, last year we went home to fight both of our parents, that’s why we didn’t invite you.” Bora said.

“Yeah, they were pressuring us to get married with anyone and we just went home to say no. I’m sorry we didn’t invite you. We just didn’t want you to deal with that kind of shit.” Minji placed the wet towel on her neck.

Oh. 

“You are our family. There is no Christmas without you. There is no… life without you.”

She didn’t know how long she cried in the corner of her room, knees close to her chest as she hugged it tight imagining it was someone, anyone that she was holding and this was a life she loved with a girlfriend she adored maybe.

But she was all alone in a world she had no place in. In a life she didn’t want to live.

Unloved. 

Unwanted. 

Undesired. 

How is she alive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, you must have questions and it's confusing but i have a question for you. which pov would you like to see in the future?


	4. Party

Siyeon was in an operating room.

Doctors were trying to revive someone back to life on the cold metal table. There was a flat line on the heart monitor. The sound of it was irritating.

Blood was everywhere. The floor was a pool of the person’s blood. Siyeon had to look away from that sight. 

She took a closer look.

It was her.

Some surgeon was doing a CPR; someone was bringing the crash unit; another one was giving her oxygen.

“Clear!” One of the female surgeons yelled and the rest immediately yanked their hands away from Siyeon’s body. 

Her body jerked upwards.

“Still no pulse. Should we call it?” A male surgeon asked.

“No! Again!”

The flat line beeping sound from the machine startled her out of her nightmare. How irritating. Her ears were still ringing because of it. There was a soreness on her stomach but other than that, she was fine, she didn’t have a panic attack like the other night.

She should really stop watching Grey’s Anatomy or medical shows in general, it was starting to get to her.

However, it did seem like another continuation of her recent nightmare. When she was taken from a wrecked car and the ambulance took her to a hospital. It was as if it continued from there. How crazy was that? 

And it was too realistic yet again. She was fucking there. She wasn't lying in the metal bed but she was there. Out of body experience? She had no idea. And who in the world had the privilege to see their guts? Siyeon did. Not that she would want to. It was a hideous sight.

The idea of them being in the alternative universe was appealing. She couldn’t find another explanation. Poor other Siyeon if that was the case. Either that or Grey’s Anatomy was starting to get to her, really. 

Yawning, she swung her legs off the bed and stretched her upper body slightly. Then she proceeded to do her morning routine even though she didn’t feel like getting up. She had assets to protect. 

This house was starting to look bigger than it actually was. Specially for a single woman who had no one but herself. Occasionally she would throw a party to fill her empty house with her model friends, sometimes she would get lucky to get one of them in her bed but even then she was alone. 

Deep down, she knew why. She just didn’t want to admit it to herself. She didn’t want sexy models in her house. She wanted Bora. She completed the emptiness in Siyeon.

Not anymore. 

After finishing her daily routine, she decided to eat a proper breakfast instead of just a coffee this time. Her manager scolded her a lot because of her habit. 

Speak of the devil. 

Her phone rang. She ignored. Then it rang again and with a frustrated sigh, she answered it. “What, Minji?” 

“Good morning to you too.”

“What do you want? It’s my day off.” 

A pause. “I know you don’t want to talk to me but I’m still your manager. I have duties.” Minji responded. 

When Siyeon remained silent, she continued, “You have a magazine cover photoshoot today.”

“Postpone it.”

A sigh, “I can’t just-“ 

“What is your job? Don’t you have to do as you are told? Postpone it.” Siyeon said, her tone as sharp as a razor. 

Maybe she was being unfair to her, after all, she wasn’t this mean to Bora. But she couldn’t find within herself to care.

A long silence.

“Are you done? I made myself breakfast and I want to eat it in-“

Minji hung up on her face. Honestly, she deserved that. Perhaps she would apologize later but it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. 

Maybe she should throw a party again. Keep her mind occupied for a night and if she got lucky, she could get laid too. Perfect distraction.

She spent the next few hours cleaning her apartment, putting the things she didn’t want them to break away. She made sure her private things were locked up in her drawer as it always was. Decorated her house to give the party vibe. After she was satisfied with her house, she called all of her model friends in the agency and told them to bring friends and spread the word. She called everyone but the two. If they didn’t live under a rock, they would hear it and swing by eventually.

When the word was out, she went out to buy alcohol. She bought all kinds of alcohol. Wine, whisky, vodka, tequila, baileys, beer, rum, brandy. Then she bought every snack and chips she could find. The devil said to use her manager’s card. In normal occasions she would never use Minji’s credit card for this, because it was for work stuff only. And the bill was too much. But today was exceptional. She was pissed, hurt and broken. A little betrayed too. 

So she listened the devil. She used Minji’s card. Oh she was being evil, but her manager had it coming. 

With a little bit of help, she brought it all back to her house and put them all on the table for display. Anyone could drink anything they liked. 

It was only five, knowing her friends they would come after nine and stay till morning. They were all night owls, free spirits and rebels. 

Having time to spare, she took her time to pick a dress. She wanted to look sexy, like a true Goddess. She wanted every girl in the room to want her for a change. Too bad her stylist was Bora, she could use a little help. The music in the background was giving her a little confidence. 

She decided on a tight black mini dress that had no back and made her breasts look bigger than it actually was. The dress revealed her back, just above her hip. She put on a heavy dark makeup the best she could. Straightened her short blonde hair and she was good to go. 

The first person that came was her beloved friend Yoohyeon. She was wearing a simple blue mini dress and high heels as if she wasn’t already tall. 

“Hey!” She smiled brightly, giving the older one a tight hug. “You look hot!”

Same old, same old. 

“Thanks, you too. You came too early though.” Siyeon said as they walked to the kitchen to pour themselves a glass of wine to get a head start. 

“I didn’t have anything to do today.” Yoohyeon said, “Didn’t you have a magazine shoot?”

“I postponed it.”

Her friend nodded as she took a slow sip from her wine, “I saw Minji again today.” 

Something about the way Yoohyeon talked about Minji constantly was making her suspicious. It was normal to see her, they worked in the same agency. But it was the way her eyes beamed whenever she said her name. 

Uninterested, “Okay.” Siyeon said. 

“I didn’t know, Bora and Minji were dating.” Yoohyeon muttered, she almost sounded disappointed.

She clenched her jaw, “I didn’t either until recently.” 

“They look good together, I guess…” 

“Good for them.” 

Bora would have looked better with Siyeon. Whatever.

Soon enough, people started to fill her empty house. Everyone was breathtaking, some were wearing revealing dresses, some were wearing suits. It should’ve made her drool or something but why didn’t she feel anything? 

Her house became a nightclub in no time. She greeted all of them with a happy smile on her face. Half of the models were dancing in her living room while the others were pouring themselves a beverage they liked. It wasn’t much really, fifty or sixty models maximum. They all looked like they just come out of a magazine cover. 

Well, some did.

It kind of reminded her of a gay club, honestly. She didn’t think anyone in her house was straight. 

The loud music was giving her a headache. She tried to ignore it and drank something heavier than a wine to ease the pain in her head but more importantly her heart. 

Why did she feel alone in a room full of beautiful models? 

“Nice party.” A new voice.

She turned around to see her boss, “Hey boss!” She smiled.

Handong’s eyebrow rose. 

“Hey Handong.” She corrected herself. The CEO wanted everyone to be like friends outside of the agency, no one was allowed to call her ‘boss’. She could fight with her, call her a whore outside of work and she wouldn’t get fired.

“How are you feeling?” Handong leaned in to speak in her ear to be heard because of the music. 

Feeling a little more than tipsy, “Great!” She yelled.

“Are you sure?” 

Siyeon nodded and took a good look. Handong looked like a fight club owner with the outfit she was wearing. A black leather pants, a simple white shirt and black leather jacket. Her orange hair was falling down her shoulders gracefully, lots of chains on her neck, different rings on her fingers.

Now Siyeon would drool to that woman.

“Then come dance with me.” Handong whispered in her ear. Even with the music she could hear it loud and clear. Her low voice made Siyeon shiver. 

With the confidence alcohol gave, she thought what the hell. Would it be bad to have sex with her boss? 

She let her lead them both to some corner of the house and suddenly Handong’s front was pressing against her back. Her hands wrapped around her torso almost protectively.

Siyeon wished it to be- No. Not tonight. She didn’t let herself finish that thought. Tonight she was going to let loose, have some fun and think about anything but them. 

She leaned back against her boss and started swaying her hips with the rhythm of the music, grinding on her. She heard Handong suck in a breath against her neck. That gave her the confidence she needed to keep it going and even dared to expose her neck to the younger girl. 

Handong’s grip on her waist tightened, “You look incredible.” She whispered and bit her pulse point very softly. 

Siyeon was far too gone to care at this moment. She just wanted to forget and it was working. They danced for what seemed like eternity, sometimes Handong gave her neck soft kisses that turned into hard hickey leaving sucks. Sometimes, she whispered dirty, sinful things in her ear that made Siyeon’s legs weak but with the way she was holding her, it was impossible to fall. 

Oh she wanted her. 

Would it be a mistake? 

Would Bora look at her differently? She was fucking her manager so even if she did, it wasn’t Siyeon’s problem. She didn’t have to worry about not being loved by her anymore because she wasn’t.

She turned around in Handong’s hold and came face to face with her. Their faces were extremely close; she could smell the alcohol in her breath. Whisky. 

Siyeon…

“Yes?” Siyeon answered as she leaned a little closer to hear better. She didn’t see Handong’s lips move but she barely saw anyway. 

Devil-may-care grin on her face, “Can I kiss you?” Handong whispered, licking her lips seductively. It made Siyeon’s head spin. How could someone look sexy just by licking their lips? 

Before she could lock her lips with her, she was yanked away from the younger girl. With the amount of alcohol she consumed, she lost her balance and fell back into someone’s arms.

Bora. What was she doing here? 

“I’m sorry Dong-ah, we need to talk to her.” She heard Minji talking to Handong but she was in serenity in Bora’s arms. Where she always wished to be. 

“God, how much did you drink…” Bora muttered as she struggled to keep herself up. 

More words were said but she couldn’t hear anything.

I’m so sorry…

“What?!” Siyeon yelled to suppress the music as she was being dragged to her bedroom by Bora. “Sorry?!” 

The door opened, then it closed and before she knew it she was sitting down on the edge of her bed. The music still could be heard but it was no longer banging inside her skull. 

She glanced at the woman in front of her. The love of her life. Her everything. Her lips curved into a smile. She was so damn beautiful. 

“You are in so much trouble, Siyeon.”

The door slammed shut, causing her to jump slightly in fear. Her head was throbbing. Minji handed her a bottle of water and Siyeon slowly brought it on her lips to take long sips almost finishing the bottle. She didn’t realize how thirsty she was. 

“What the fuck were thinking?” The outrage in Minji’s voice terrified her. 

“Do I have to invite you to every party I have?” Siyeon shrugged, “Figured you would be busy with your girl.” 

“I don’t give a fuck about your party Siyeon, what I do care is how you fucking paid for all of this!” 

Siyeon averted her gaze from her manager to examine the design of her carpet. She felt guilty for a second, it must have costed over a thousand bucks.

“What is your problem? Two thousand, Siyeon! How am I supposed to explain it to Handong?!” 

“I don’t think she cares; she was about to shove her tongue down her throat.” Bora added, her tone bitter. 

“Oh yeah, about that, you were about to have sex with your boss!” 

“You can have sex with her,” She nodded towards Bora, “But I can’t have sex with someone I like?” Siyeon was fed up with the interrogations. 

“She is your boss.” Bora said.

“Minji is your co-worker.” Siyeon reminded her.

Shadows moved across Minji’s face, “How am I supposed to pay for this?” 

Siyeon shrugged again. It wasn’t her problem. 

Wake up…

“What?” Siyeon’s head jerked up. “I am awake.”

Minji frowned, Bora arched her eyebrow. “Doesn’t look like it.” Minji said, “How could you use my card?” She gritted her teeth, “God, I can kill you right now.” 

“It’s work related, no? Everyone in the company is here.” 

Bora hid her laughter with a cough as Minji’s jaw clenched. Minji rarely got angry and when she did… well, she wouldn’t want to be the one she was mad at. Like now.

“You talk about friendships, and all that shit but you forgot to invite your friends to the party you threw with my money.”

“Friends,” Siyeon scoffed. What a friend, dating the girl of her dreams. It wasn’t her fault; she didn’t tell Minji or anyone about her undying love for Bora. But it felt good to blame someone.

Bora still cared about her and loved her but not the way Siyeon wanted her to. Minji had all those things Siyeon had been dreaming about for years.

“You, my friend,” Minji bent down to be in the same eye level, “will pay the bills of this party.”

Siyeon rocked back on her heels, “Leave my party.”

“Why? So you can fuck your boss?” Minji’s eyes narrowed.

“Maybe my boss, or-“ She glanced at Bora, “Yoohyeon,” Back at Minji, “Anyone I want to fuck. Do you have a problem with that?”

"You are my problem, you little-"

“Stop it, both of you.” Bora cut her girlfriend's train of insults, “Si, I don’t want to lose you because of this. Don’t shut us out.” 

Minji’s expression was cold as ice but she took a step back. She felt betrayed by Minji for taking her girl. But it wasn’t her girl. It wasn’t Minji’s fault. It was hers only. She was a coward.

She also felt betrayed by Bora. Why couldn’t she love Siyeon? 

The realization of losing Bora for real because of her cowardice hit her right in the heart as a lone tear escaped from her eye. 

Her heart sank and it ached too much. 

It was only Siyeon’s fault. No one else’s. She’d have to live with the consequences now.

She didn’t want to lose them. They were the only good thing in her life. But how was she supposed to ignore the growing pain in her heart every time she saw them?

Maybe she could pretend and in time she would believe it, just like she believed her bullies. And if Bora was happy with someone else, who was she to argue with that. 

She sat back on her bed as a sob tried to escape her lips. She shoved it down but she couldn’t the next one.

“I’m sorry,” Siyeon mumbled.

The older girls rushed to her side, both hugging her from each side. Guilt, sadness, betrayal, anger, shock… all these emotions were overwhelming. And having the girls who caused them right next to her, smothering her with hugs, kisses and love was the salt on the freshly cut wound. 

“We are sorry too… we shouldn’t have lied.” Minji said.

Oh it wasn’t the reason she had been acting up but she would never say it.

“Nothing will change, we love you so much, Siyeonnie.” Bora kissed her temple. 

If they weren’t going to leave her behind or stop loving her maybe she could endure it. 

“Okay,” Siyeon sniffled, “I’m sorry for being a bitch.”

“You will thank us tomorrow for stopping the kiss with your boss.” Bora laughed, “By the way, how hot was she? Oh my god, her outfit…”

“And you will pay the bill, right Siyeonnie?” It wasn’t a question.

“If you pay it, I will accept your apology.” 

“Siyeon, you are paying it.”

“Fine.” Siyeon grunted and leaned her head against Bora’s shoulder, breathing in her beautiful scent. She smelled like fresh roses. 

Please…

“Please, what?” Siyeon asked, voice low and husky as she was slowly drifting off to sleep in Bora’s shoulder.

“Can you get up for me? Let’s change your clothes.” Bora said, trying to pull away a very heavy Siyeon. 

She felt too tired to move a muscle. 

I love you…

“Mhm,” Siyeon smiled, collapsing on top of Bora in her bed. She nuzzled her head in the crook of her neck and let the sleep take over. “I love you too…”

“Me too but you can’t sleep in this, Si.” 

She felt Minji’s hand wander on her body, Siyeon noticed they were trying to take off her tight mini dress and put on a comfy shirt but honestly, she couldn’t care what they did as long as she stayed in Bora’s arms. Her home. Her safe haven.

With Siyeon’s reluctant and tired helps, they finally managed to change her clothes into something comfortable. She was back in Bora’s arms but under covers this time. 

“I will get everyone out of the apartment.” Minji stated and soon she heard the door close. 

“Don’t do this again, Siyeon. Can’t you see how much we love you?” Bora whispered as she stroked her hair slowly, her fingertips massaging her skull.

“What if you leave me?” Siyeon asked, already half asleep.

“We won’t.” Bora promised, “I won’t. I will never leave you.”

Siyeon… please don’t leave me.


	5. Realization

She was in a white room.

ICU she guessed.

She was the one laying in the bed with tubes attached to her body. 

She scowled. What the fuck?

She took a step closer to her own body.

It seemed like there was a tube down her throat to help her breathe. Her head, her right cheek and ribs were covered in bandages. There were tapes over her eyes. 

One tube down her nose, then another on her vein to keep her hydrated. One in her bladder and many on her chest to record her heart beating. One on her finger. 

Her leg and arm were in a cast. They were broken, apparently. 

There was another bandage on her stomach. 

She was a disaster.

And she was all alone.

Pain.

All she felt was pain.

Her head was throbbing and it was incredibly hard to open her eyes. She noticed she was in someone’s arms.

No.

She was a sandwich between two people.

She shouldn’t have drunk that much. Last night’s events were kind of blurry. She remembered she was dancing with her boss, and was about to kiss her when-

Oh.

Her eyes shot wide open. She was in Bora’s arms and Minji was spooning her from behind. Warm. Home. Peace. 

She didn’t dare to move a muscle just in case, she wanted to stay here for as long as she could. 

Yes, the girls that were snuggling her were dating each other and Siyeon still had fears about them leaving her behind but right at this moment, she just felt loved. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Then her dream came into mind. It was too vivid; it was as if she was a ghost or lucid dreaming probably.

Calculation filled her mind for a second. Okay, when the crazy nightmare began, the first night was the accident. The other night was the rescue and ambulance from that particular accident. The other night was the surgery. Now it was the after surgery. 

All of them had two things in common. It was too realistic and they were clearly continuations of each other. 

What did it mean?

Who saw dreams like that?

Most importantly, why did she feel it all after waking up? 

This time, she didn’t feel anything though. She felt light, actually. Maybe even high, like someone sedated her. Not like the throbbing pain she felt when she first woke up. 

She had so many unanswered questions. 

She glanced at Bora who was sound asleep. Her pure beauty took her breath away; it was as if she would been carved by the most masterful of artisans.

“Creep,” Bora giggled lightly.

She must have felt her staring at her for too long. “Morning.”

“Good morning,” Bora whispered, her voice low and raspy due to just waking up. 

They fell into silence once more, Siyeon thought she fell asleep right away but then she shifted. Now she was laying on her side, her face inches away. Just a nudge and their lips would touch.

“You are so beautiful,” Siyeon said before thinking. 

Bora smiled wide, a blush creeped up on her cheeks. Her eyes travelled from her eyes to lips, “You smell alcohol.” 

“I wonder why.”

Minji’s hold on her waist tightened, “Shhhh,” 

Siyeon and Bora shared a knowing look before bursting into laughter, Minji was not a morning person until she had food in her system. 

“I said shhh, didn’t I?” 

“Wake up,”

“No, you wake up.” Minji said, her tone soft. 

“I’m trying.” Siyeon chuckled.

“No you’re not.”

Twisting, Siyeon tried to get up from their hold because if she laid this close to Bora any longer, she would have a heart attack. 

“I’m still waiting for a thank you.” Bora reminded her, a smile on her lips.

Siyeon crawled out of her bed and looked at Bora with puzzled expression, “What? thank you?”

“For stopping the kiss with Dongie.”

Shrugging, “It wouldn’t be a bad thing,” she said.

“It would be awkward afterwards.” Bora sat up on the bed while Minji covered her ears with a pillow. 

“Is it awkward for you?” Siyeon raised her eyebrow.

“Point taken.”

She walked out of her bedroom only to see a mess. Everything was everywhere. The plastic alcohol cups her guests used were all over the place, snacks were on the floor. 

It looked like her house had been in a storm. A tornado. 

She would have to hire housekeepers for a day. 

“Siyeon, it’s too early let’s sleep more.” Bora called out and she had no objections for that. She made her way back to bed and crawled back into her old position, right between them. 

Selfish reasons; to keep them apart. 

Good reasons; to feel loved. 

It was a win, win. 

But sleep didn’t want to come. 

“Bora, I don’t feel sleepy. Wake up.” Siyeon whined. “Have you seen my house? Did I throw a party or a war?”

“A war, I’d say.” Bora laughed, her eyes still closed.

“It took me an hour to get them out.” Minji muttered sleepily. 

“I’m sorry…” Regret filled her voice. 

“It’s okay, honestly If you two had sex behind my back… I don’t know… I would react the same way.” Bora said.

So if her dream were to be true, Bora would never forgive her. 

“I wouldn’t.” Siyeon said confidently.

“Thanks, Siyeon.” Minji mumbled. 

After staying in bed for another hour, they all took showers one by one and Siyeon had called the housekeeper to clean her house. There was no way she would bother cleaning it and the nice lady was used to this already. 

“I would make you all breakfast but I don’t want to.” Siyeon noted as she grabbed her purse, all ready to go out because if she spent another second in this war zone she would lose it.

“It’s okay. I’m just happy you are talking with us, Sing.” Minji said. 

Siyeon smiled, it still didn’t sit right with her that Bora was dating Minji but she’d known they were meant to be together. She wasn’t good enough for a girl like Kim Bora.

If Bora was happy, she was happy too. Even if it meant she was dying inside every day.

I have to tell her, Siyeon…

“What do you have to tell her?” Siyeon asked, confused. She didn’t know Minji and she had a secret between them. They were like open books, most of the time. 

A pause. “What?”

“You said, you have to tell her?” She nodded towards Bora who was still gathering her things from her bedroom.

Bora was always late. No matter the occasion, she was always one step behind. It was cute, really. Whenever she stayed over in Siyeon’s apartment they’d act like a married couple. Siyeon hurrying her, Bora cursing at her. 

Those times, Siyeon would live in an illusion of them dating. She would play pretend that Bora was her girlfriend and they were living together. As painful as the reality was, her imagination was somewhat better. 

“I didn’t say anything though?” 

She must have imagined it then or maybe it was the hangover. But she was hundred percent sure that was Minji and she heard it loud and clear. She blamed on the alcohol.

Nodding, “Bora, come on!” 

“I’m coming for fucks sake!” Bora yelled. A loud thud came from her bedroom; she certainly broke something. “Shit, I can’t find my purse.”

“I’ve got it, Bora.” Minji face-palmed herself but her tone was amused.

“Idiot, why didn’t you say so?” Bora walked out of her bedroom hurriedly and joined the girls that had been waiting by the door for at least twenty minutes. 

“I did.”

“What did you break?” Siyeon asked as they finally made it out of her apartment.

“Lamp. I’ll buy you a new one.”

When they arrived at the agency, Handong was nowhere to be seen and her little assistant greeted them with the biggest heartwarming smile she had ever seen. Siyeon reminded herself to talk to the younger girl, she had a feeling she could be helpful about becoming a model. Now that she thought about it, Gahyeon would be even better at runways. 

“Ice Americano?” Gahyeon asked.

“Much appreciated. Is the boss here?” 

“No, she notified me that she would be late today because she has a massive headache.”

Siyeon nodded, “Come by whenever you are free. I would like to talk to you about something.”

“Bad or good?” She asked, her tone full of concern. She was still new in the agency so every ‘I have to talk to you’ caused her anxiety. 

“Good.” Siyeon laughed and waved at her before following her friends to the studio for the magazine shoot she postponed to today. 

She saw Bora already preparing her outfits in the corner of the room while Minji was on the phone away from the shooting area. 

Siyeon, wake up… I’m begging you…

A voice that was utterly broken and shaky. Minji’s voice to be exact.

But Minji was on the phone with God knew who right in front of her. 

For some reasons she didn’t know what, she kept hearing whispers in the back of her head as if someone said it right in her ear. But there was no one. 

Was it a ghost? 

She shivered and shoved that thought away as soon as it came. She was genuinely a scary cat.

It’ll be a miracle.

That was a completely new female voice she had never heard before. It sounded too formal and a little bit robotic as if she had been repeating it all day long. It was a voice that had no hope.

What would be a miracle?

She shrugged it off. She had enough on her plate and adding a hallucination on that would be too much for her to handle at the moment. 

For the rest of the day, she went back and forth between shoots and changing outfits. Thankfully, no new voices appeared out of nowhere.

It was too confusing that Siyeon’s brain capacity were too small to comprehend it so she let it go.

“Hey!” Gahyeon patted her shoulder to gain her attention from her phone. 

She closed it and smiled at the younger girl, “Hey, cutie. Thanks for coming. I just wanted to ask you something if that’s okay?”

Gahyeon nodded eagerly. She was a ball of sunshine that would just make you perky.

“Do you have any interests in being a model?”

Gahyeon’s gaze fell to the surface, her bright smile fading away, “It’s interesting but I don’t know…”

“Do you want to be one?” Siyeon asked again.

“I guess. I don’t think I’m pretty enough though. I don’t fit the standards.” Gahyeon muttered weakly. 

Siyeon’s jaw clenched at her words. Because of the society’s beauty standards and bullies of today, beautiful girls like Gahyeon doubted themselves. It was fucked up and unfair. 

“You are very beautiful Gahyeon-ah.” Siyeon said firmly. “Your smile is adorable and your body is better than mine and everyone in here.”

Gahyeon’s face flushed slightly, “I don’t like my smile too much.”

“Why? I think it’s the cutest and most beautiful smile I had ever seen. It warms my soul, honestly.” Siyeon said to boost her confident up a little, and she meant everything she said.

“Thank you,” Gahyeon giggled, “It means a lot coming from you.”

“I can help you climb up the ladders if you want.” Siyeon suggested. 

The younger one’s eyes beamed, “You would do that for me?” 

“Of course! Just come anytime and I will give you tips, help you with anything.”

What do I do?

It was Minji again. She glanced at her over Gahyeon’s shoulder, she was talking with the photographer away from her.

Jesus Christ. 

She really needed to figure out what it meant. Maybe it was delusional but if she thought about it, the voices kind of sounded like they were coming from the dreams she kept having. She was basically in coma in those, wasn’t she? And those voices were telling her to wake up. 

Let’s add the fact that Minji had said she had to tell Bora something. Siyeon guessed it was the sex she saw in the first dream. It was all connected somehow.

But how?

She had no idea what to think. What would anyone think in her shoes? She was probably going insane. 

She laid down on the sofa in the TV room and closed her eyes, not to sleep but to rest her eyes a little. Being hangover and standing in front of flashlights all day were exhausting. 

“I have to tell her, Siyeon…” Minji squatted down on her knees next to bed and gently held Siyeon’s hand in hers careful not to bump into wires.

“If you-“ Sniffle, “don’t make it… I can’t live with that burden…” She kissed her knuckles softly. “Bora is… Bora is devastated.”

A sob escaped her throat, “We all are.” Her head fell to the bed as her silent sobs took over her entire body. 

“I know it is the worst timing to tell her that we had sex but w-what do I do?” Minji asked, her voice shaky.

“What do I do, Siyeon?” She repeated herself but Siyeon couldn’t answer due to having a tube down her throat and of course, being a ghost apparently.

“If I could take your place… I would without a second thought.” Minji murmured, “I don’t know what to do with Bora… she doesn’t eat, sleep, shower or rest… If I tell her now she will shut me down and she will completely fall apart.”

"It hurts," Minji sighed, slowly regaining her composure, “but I know you will come back to us, won’t you? You are a fighter.” She rose to her feet and kissed Siyeon’s bandaged head. “I love you.”

“Don’t go anywhere, alright?” Minji smiled at her with tears flowing out of her eyes none stop.

“Wake up, please…”

“Wake up.”

She was getting tired of hearing that word. 

“Siyeon, wake up. Let’s go home.” Bora spoke softly as she poked Siyeon’s side. 

Her eyes fluttered open reluctantly. No tubes, no wounds, no devastated Bora, no crying Minji. Just her laying in the sofa and Bora hovering over her.

In the dream Minji said they had sex. She wasn’t mistaken, it was loud and crystal clear. That she had to tell Bora because she didn’t want to live with that burden. 

But-

“Stop staring at me like that, what’s wrong?” Bora frowned, concern filled her voice. “Are you okay?”

No, she wasn’t. She was going insane with all those dreams. 

“I’m fine.”

“Minji left already, she had to take care of something so I’ll escort you.” Bora said and helped Siyeon get on her feet.

While the two were getting ready to leave the agency, all she could think was her dreams. Her stupid, realistic, TV show-like dreams. It was all connected, every time she closed her eyes she had glimpsed of that… dream? Life? Another dimension? Whatever the fuck was that. Not to mention the voices she heard here and there. 

If she let herself be crazy for a minute, she would think those dreams were her actual life and this was all made up in her subconscious. Could it be possible? 

No… no it couldn’t be.

“Well, if it isn’t the Lee Siyeon.” A new sarcastic voice came behind them.

Both Bora and Siyeon turned around to see the new person talking to them. They were just about to leave peacefully and this fellow model was trouble. Her name was Jinsoul and she was the only person in the agency that couldn’t seem to get along with Siyeon.

As a result, Siyeon avoided her at all costs because if they were in the same room together, Jinsoul would do anything to bring her mood down with her sarcastic comments. 

Siyeon’s history with bullies were not pretty. 

“Hey, Jin.” Bora said, her lips curving into half smile. Bora had no beef with the woman, it was Siyeon who was tensed like a rock.

Minji had told her Jinsoul only picked up on her because she was a jealous person that wanted all the credit and attention to herself. So when Siyeon became the number one in the agency she didn’t take it well.

A face, Siyeon thought, that held this much beauty should not be a bully. 

“Where are you guys going?” Jinsoul smirked, her gaze on Siyeon. 

“Home. Let’s go, Bora.” Siyeon pulled the door open but in one quick moment Jinsoul was standing right in front of her, blocking the door.

“Ah no, let’s go out to dinner together.” She offered, her stupid smirk grew wider.

“No but maybe later.” Siyeon declined firmly.

“I see, is it because you gained a little weight?” Jinsoul clicked her tongue, “It’s barely noticeable, dear.” 

Her fingers started trembling but she clenched her fists, knuckles turning white. She was this close to punching her face. She had had enough of bullies. Her temper spiked. 

Bora didn’t say anything, her gaze travelling between Siyeon and Jinsoul.

“I didn’t. But thanks for the concern.” Siyeon rolled her eyes, fighting to keep her expression calm, “Can you get out of my way?” 

“No,” She giggled, “Don’t you think so, Bora? I mean it’s totally okay to eat fast food and party all night. Some people just don’t care about looks.” She shrugged and finally stepped out of her way but not without another remark that turned her blood into ash. “Maybe do skin care once in a while.”

Frustration churning in her gut, she stepped outside of the building and counted to ten in her mind. No. it didn’t work. She wanted to kill her.

“I hate her!” Siyeon’s body vibrated with unhidden outrage, “I hate her so much!”

Bora shook her head, “Hate is a strong word.”

“If there is a stronger word then I’ll use it.” Siyeon muttered angrily. 

“Calm down, she was probably just messing around.” Bora started walking in Siyeon’s home direction. How could she be so calm about this when she knew how much it had an effect on Siyeon?

“Calm down?! This bitch is driving me crazy!” Siyeon followed Bora and let out a frustrated groan. “I hate her.”

“It’s not big of a deal.” 

“How can you say that when you know how much I’ve had to go through?” Siyeon couldn’t believe what she just heard.

A hint of what looked like true concern on her face, “What did you go through?” 

“Seriously? You are the only person I told! Hell, you saved me from most of it.” 

“You didn’t tell me anything and I don’t remember saving you from… bullies?”

“I’ve told you everything!” Her voice rose as panic took hold. This was her secret, no one, not even her parents knew about the constant bullying in school because she’d think she deserved it, believed what they were saying. 

She only opened up to Bora about this, showed her true colors to her and only her and Bora was always there.

If Bora didn’t know anything… if she didn’t care about what just happened… then could it be…

Because her Bora would stop Jinsoul before she even got a chance to speak. Her Bora wouldn’t be as calm as this. Her Bora would fight that bitch in a heartbeat. She’d done it before. She’d do it again. 

“Tell me,” Siyeon stopped Bora from going further, “Tell me you recall the things I’ve said… things I haven’t told anyone but you.”

“Siyeon, I don’t know what you are talking about. You didn’t tell me anything. For all I know Jin was just messing around. Let it go.” Bora said, completely uninterested.

This couldn’t be right. 

"Do you remember the time you saved me from bunch of bullies in high school?" Siyeon asked.

With a shake of her head, "No." Bora told her.

This was not her Bora.

This wasn’t real.

It was starting to make sense. The sex, the accident, the rescue, the surgery, the voices, Minji… 

Come back to me...

Bora. It was Bora. A pleading, crying Bora. The real Bora.

That was her life. Her dreams were her life.

A life where she had sex with her best friend, her manager while she was in love with the said girl’s childhood friend. A life where she had a massive accident and went into… coma.

How could this be possible?

Was this her imagination? Subconscious? Illusion? Maybe it was bigger than her comprehension.

Questions were giving her a headache and panic took over her body. 

But only one question mattered.

How in the world was she supposed to get back into her own body?


	6. There's no life without you

_**Bora's POV** _

Sometimes, a voice appears inside a person’s head.

Sometimes, a bad, very bad feeling in the gut just screams something was going to happen. Something horrible. Something irrecoverable. Something inexplicable. 

Bora had that gut feeling all day long. From the moment she woke up to see a very panicked Minji walking into their apartment so early in the morning, her clothes and hair messy, to the moment she stepped inside the building. 

She asked what was wrong with her roommate and all she got was a shrug, ‘rough night’ and the door slamming on her face.

But that feeling only got stronger when she saw the panicked look on Siyeon’s face as they ran into each other at the front door. 

She just knew something was wrong. A gut feeling. 

Bora had been in love with her from the moment Minji introduced them in college. At first, she didn’t confess because she wasn’t sure of Siyeon’s feelings for her. She was a very complicated girl to say the least. Later on, she couldn’t confess because Siyeon became a model Minji was responsible of, and her best friend wouldn’t let her date the girl of her dreams. 

Why? Because Minji had said, Siyeon needed to focus on her career and having a girlfriend would distract her from doing her job and getting the fame she deserved. Bora agreed. Siyeon was too beautiful to let it go unnoticed. She needed to be seen, to be on every magazine cover. She was breathtakingly beautiful.

Gradually, Siyeon gained the attention. She became the top model brands would call to do a photoshoot. 

But even then, Bora knew, Siyeon didn’t buy any of that. She didn’t think she was beautiful, she didn’t even want to be a model, she just thought she had assets to protect so people could love her good looks not her charming personality. That was her thought but in reality, people admired her for her personality. 

In Siyeon’s mind, she wasn’t worthy of love. Everyone was better than her when in fact she was better than anyone in the world. 

How could someone be so blind?

So closed off, so hung up on the bullies from the past that she didn’t see the love she had? Didn’t see the love Bora had for her?

Bora gave her time to love herself at least a little because she knew her love wouldn’t be enough to patch the wounds she had. It wouldn’t be enough to make her love herself. She had to find herself before committing to anyone.

It had to be her. 

She had to do it on her own with her friend’s help of course.

Bora tried her best though, she reassured her whenever necessary. She was there to get her back on her feet. She was always there but Siyeon was blind to everything. She lived in her own bubble where people didn’t love her, just loved her looks. 

Her look was all that mattered. 

Bora took the manager’s advice. She suppressed her feelings. If it wasn’t for Minji, maybe they would’ve been dating for years now. 

It didn’t matter. 

Siyeon wasn’t going anywhere, she wasn’t going anywhere. It would happen when it happened. They had no rush. She was just grateful for being a part of her life. 

The expression Siyeon had on her face when she watched Gahyeon walk away, reminded her of a mother. The need to protect the young assistant was evident on her face. Bora knew, Gahyeon resembled her in a way. Insecure and had no self-love, not whatsoever. 

She gave the suit the model needed to wear for the photoshoot and when Siyeon came in sight, her jaw dropped. For a moment, she let herself live in an illusion of getting married with her. That would be the suit she’d wear. Bora would wear a white dress or blue to match the younger model. They would do an outside wedding with just close friends. A live band, food and alcohol. They would vow to be together for the rest of their lives, to love each other endlessly, to get through health and sickness together. She longed for that. 

She stood behind Siyeon in front of a mirror. A half smile on her face, her chin on the model’s shoulder. She let herself think this woman was going to be her wife in few hours. They’d be together till death do them apart. 

You look stunning, magnificent, excellent, perfect, breathtaking, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, she wanted to say.

“You look hot,” She said out loud. Because that was the only thing that mattered for Siyeon. To look hot. 

But she deserved to be in an art museum. 

Siyeon shrugged and avoided looking at Bora like a plague. 

There it was. That sick gut feeling. Something was off. She could tell, she could basically smell it. 

“What’s wrong? You look a bit down today.” She asked, concerned and anxious what she would hear.

“I’m okay, rough night.” Siyeon still didn’t look at her eyes. She always looked like she would rather be anywhere else but here but today was different. 

At least, that feeling in her gut said so.

“You sure?” She asked again to confirm. 

A nod.

Both of them said rough night. Rough night together?

But no, Minji wouldn’t do that to her knowing what Siyeon meant to her. Minji valued their friendship and that would mean the end of a friendship. 

“Minji came home looking like absolute shit. A rough night like you.” Bora chuckled in deliberate attempt to hide the curiosity in her voice. 

“Okay, get your makeup and hair done.” She said to get rid of her for a second to collect her thoughts. 

Minji would not do it. That would be too much. She trusted Minji. She cried in her arms almost every night because Siyeon didn’t and wouldn’t love her. 

Not before she learned to love herself. 

If Minji had betrayed her then she had nothing left.

According to her best friend, Siyeon thought they should be together. Minji and Bora. If only she knew how much Bora was in love with her and only her.

She watched the model get her makeup done. Siyeon looked like she was about to cry. In a normal day, she would have been talking with the makeup artist or smile or do anything other than just sitting there. 

But now, she looked down. Not once did she look up. 

That feeling… what was that feeling… 

“Where is my model?” The CEO, a friend outside of work came in with a big smile played on her lips and two cups of coffee in her hands and the little assistant she adopted as a child the moment she was hired. 

“My little one said this is for you.” Handong said and Gahyeon smiled even bigger, waving at the model through the mirror. Bora couldn’t help but smile a little at her enthusiasm. 

“Thanks.” Siyeon said but it was so dull. Nothing like the girl they know. 

“Where is your manager?” Handong asked, her eyes roaming the studio.

Shit. Bora had to step in specially now that Siyeon was openly panicking. “She- she should be here uh- soon?” 

Bora scowled. No. She pushed that thought away. Not her childhood best friend. No, she wouldn’t.

“Are you asking me?”

It was time for Bora to save the day for both of them. “Hey boss, morning,” She said, “She came home late last night, should be here any second, don’t worry.” But honestly she had no idea if she would.

“Alright then. After this Yoohyeon will join you.”

Oh God, not her. Bora hated the way Yoohyeon looked at her future wife. She stood too close, touched too much, flirted a lot. 

Bora couldn’t name the exact word for it but Yoohyeon was just… unnecessary.

“Oh?” 

“Didn’t your manager tell you?” Handong frowned. 

“We- we didn’t talk much last night…”

Bora refused to think that again for the millionth time today. 

“Very well. Good luck!” Handong addressed to everyone in the studio and left with her cute assistant. 

Minji finally came by after an hour, looking a lot better than this morning. Bora pulled her aside to speak privately, “What took you so long?”

“I- um I had a little business.” Minji whispered.

“What business and why are you wearing turtleneck in this weather?” 

“God, get off my dick will you?” Minji muttered angrily and left Bora all alone with her restless thoughts. Minji was a kind person, too kind actually and this was too strange.

All throughout the day Bora observed the two of them. They barely interacted with each other. They barely made eye contact. Then she saw them talking in hushed tones in the corner of the room. Both looking furious and annoyed with each other. 

As they were talking Siyeon caught her staring, so she sent her a wink to play it off and quickly returned her attention back to her work but her mind was on the conversation they were having. She wanted to hear it. 

Later on, Yoohyeon came to do the photoshoot. Bora had to restrain herself from glaring at the fellow model which she failed miserably. She wanted to take Siyeon away from that thirsty bitch.

She was hers. Not officially but she was hers undeniably.

Bora suggested to have dinner together so she could make them explain what was happening or if her worst nightmare became true, have her heart broken. 

Both declined almost immediately. 

Minji sent Siyeon an odd look before leaving the two of them. Also weird. No hugs, no kisses, no I love you’s? 

Siyeon called a driver for herself and Bora decided to wait with her. To spend a little more time with her. To hear her deep voice a little more. 

“You two were weird today.” She noted in hopes of getting it out of the younger girl.

A shrug, “Yeah, we had a little fight. No big deal.”

“It is a little weird you two won’t tell me what it is about.”

“Manager kind of shit. She wants me to… uh-“ A pause, “attend events I don’t want to.”

“Really?” Bora frowned, that was unlikely of Minji. She wouldn’t force anyone to do anything. “Maybe Handong pressures her?” 

“I don’t know but yeah. It’s nothing, we’ll find a way. We always do.”

She felt relieved that her accusations were inaccurate. How wrong of her to think so low of her best friend. 

“That’s right! Friends can’t be mad at each other for so long.” 

“What you forgive us if we did something… tremendously awful?” Siyeon asked softly.

“Depends, I guess.” Bora stepped closer to her. She wanted to kiss her so much it hurt. “I wouldn’t want to lose you.” Bora whispered, “Both.” She added to make it not so obvious.

“I wouldn’t either.”

Bora wrapped her arms around the younger girl’s waist and buried her face in her hair to inhale her scent. She wanted to bottle it up and take it home so she could have her scent everywhere. 

She loved her so much.

She loved everything Siyeon hated about herself. 

Bora would die and kill for her. 

She tightened her grip. That awful gut feeling was back; it was turning her stomach inside out. Something was going to happen but what? She didn’t want to let Siyeon go. Not when she had this kind of feeling. She breathed in her scent yet again. 

Over and over again. 

Why did she feel like this was somehow goodbye? 

She couldn’t explain it. 

All she knew, she just didn’t feel ready to let Siyeon go.

“Be careful on your way home. Call me when you arrive.”

“Yes, don’t I always?” Siyeon chuckled and pulled herself away from Bora to get in the car but not yet. Bora spotted the loose hair and decided to put it behind her ear. Siyeon’s face flushed and it melted Bora’s heart. 

“See you tomorrow.” Bora smiled, and opened the door for her.

Laughing, Siyeon said, “You know it. How could you live without me?”

“Ah… I can’t. I really can’t.” She closed the door right after Siyeon climbed in. Although, Siyeon took it as a joke, Bora meant every word.

There was no life without Siyeon.

“Be careful.” She sent her a kiss. A kiss! God, this woman…

Bora watched the car took off but she couldn’t tell herself to walk away. That feeling just got to maximum level, she felt like vomiting. 

Phone in hand, waiting a text by Siyeon, she went home as fast as she could. She greeted Minji watching a show in the living room. 

She paced back and forth all over her house. It had been twenty minutes. She would have been at home by now. 

Why didn’t she text or call? She would never neglect that.

“You are making me dizzy.”

She ignored Minji and continued her pace. She stared at the black magic thing in her hand. A magical device that’d tell her Siyeon was safe and sound at home. 

Thirty minutes. 

Nothing.

Maybe she did forget to inform her about her arrival. It could happen, she was a forgetful human.

“Minji. I have a bad feeling.” Bora stood in front of the TV, blocking her sight.

“About?” 

“Siyeon. She didn’t text me.” 

“She probably fell asleep.” Minji tried to ease her worries but no dice. Something was happening. She could feel it. 

Instead of answering, she speed-dialed Siyeon’s number and it said the number was unreachable at the moment. 

She turned her phone off?

“Minji, her phone is off!” Bora said, fear spiked her tone.

“Her battery probably died, calm down.” Minji gave her an impulsive hug. “She is okay.”

The silence from Siyeon clanged a serious alarm bell in her head. “I have to find her.”

“Bora, she had forgotten to text before. Remember? It’s probably nothing. I’ll scold her tomorrow.” 

“But-“ Bora bit her bottom lip, “But I have a bad feeling… what if something happened?”

“I hope nothing happened. I’m sure it’s just her battery.” Minji kissed top of her head and gently urged her to go to her bedroom. 

“What happened between you two?” Bora asked to get her mind off the bad feeling. 

“Ah…” Minji swallowed hard, “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“You know, if Handong forces her to attend events she doesn’t want to go, then find a way with Dong.” Bora said, “Because you know how fragile Siyeonnie is… I don’t want to see her hurt because of this.”

Minji’s eyes widened then she nodded keenly, “Yes! You’re right. I will.” She pushed her to her bedroom yet again, “Good night. You ruined my show.”

“Fine… Good night. Love you.”

“Love you too!”

It was safe to say Bora didn’t get much sleep. She tossed in her sleep, woke up to stare at her phone, tried to call Siyeon and got nothing in return. It was driving her crazy that Siyeon was radio silent. If she didn’t have this gut feeling screaming that something was indeed wrong, maybe she wouldn’t care too much.

The sun was out but no sign of Siyeon. 

She dialed Handong’s number. “Yes, Bora?” 

“Are you at the agency?”

“Yes, is everything okay?”

“Did you see Siyeon?” Bora asked, still pacing around in her room. 

“No, I don’t know if she has a schedule today. You live with her manager, I’m not the person you should ask.” Handong laughed softly.

“Thanks, let me know if you hear from her.”

“What happened?” 

“I can’t reach her.” Bora started to bite her nails, “She always lets me know when she arrives home. But she didn’t last night and her phone is off and I-“

“Calm down. I’m sure her battery died. Don’t think bad.” Handong said calmly, “I’ll look for her too.”

“Thank you, Dongie.”

When they hung up the phone, Bora barged into Minji’s room to find the manager sleeping peacefully. “Minji.” 

“Hm?” She murmured in her slumber. 

“I’m going to her place.”

“She didn’t call back?” Minji sat up on her bed and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. 

“No.” Bora went back to her room and changed her pajamas to sweatpants and a hoodie she borrowed from Siyeon. it still smelled like her. Heaven.

Just as she was about to step out of her apartment, her phone rang. Her heart was racing inside her ribcage, maybe it was Siyeon.

Out of everyone she expected it to be, she didn’t except it to be her mother. Her mother had never once called her. 

“Hey, dear…” 

“Hey, Mrs. Lee.” 

Bora’s heart was about to come out of her mouth. Mrs. Lee sniffled, she had been crying. Her voice was raw. Then she said the words that confirmed why Bora had a bad feeling. 

“Siyeonnie… she-“ Sniffle, “she was in a car accident. I don’t k-know if she will make it.”

At first she denied. She didn’t believe it. 

Then it hurt. It hurt more than any pain she could remember. Her whole world crumbled down with the words. She fell to her knees and didn’t listen the rest. Couldn’t listen the rest. She knew it. Something did happen and it was worse than she thought it would be. 

Siyeon was hanging by a thread. 

An agonizing scream shattered the air as she clutched her shirt, in hopes of reaching inside her ribcage and rip her heart out. That would have hurt less. 

No, this pain was nothing like she had ever experienced. 

Her parent’s divorce, the loss of her beloved cat, the loss of her grandmother didn’t hurt this much. Nothing ever hurt this much. 

It was a pain so severe that she would rather die. 

She felt Minji’s strong arms wrap around her and hold her close to her chest. Few drips on top of her head told her, her manager was crying too. 

Minji listened to Siyeon’s mother and explained the situation to Bora with shaky voice and few sobs in between while they were taking a cab to the hospital she was in.

Apparently, the drunk driver had hit her side of the car. Tossed it away like a piece of paper and tore it apart like it was a toy. The love of her had died on the operating table but they revived her before it was too late. 

Siyeon had collapsed lungs, internal bleeding, contusions on her brain, broken ribs and bones, tears on her face and body, lost so much blood. The doctor thought it was a miracle she was still alive when they pulled her out of the wrecked car. 

Bora wished it to be her. She wished to die for Siyeon to come back.

She begged, she prayed, she cried. Then she screamed into Minji’s shirt, held it tight in her small hands and sobbed more all the way to the hospital. 

When the pain subsided a little, they had arrived to the hospital. They had informed her that Siyeon was in the ICU and no visits were allowed for now. 

But the emotional pain kicked in again at the sight of her. If someone tortured her, cut her legs out, burned her alive, it wouldn’t hurt this much. 

Emotional pain was a bitch because there was nothing she could do about it. All she could do was to watch her love through the glass window that separated them. 

Siyeon’s eyes were taped, lots of tubes attached to her body, lots of bandages on her body, her face… She was hooked into a ventilator to help her breathe because without it she would die. Her lungs weren’t working properly. 

There was blood on her thin blanket from where it was seeped through the bandages.

Dr. Lee, Lee Yubin, which was the best doctor in the city also their boss’ girlfriend was taking care of her girl. 

She and nurses kept coming around and pulling her eyelids to wave flashlights but there was no response from the younger girl. 

What really worried them was the extent of the damage on her brain. They had to wait and see. They didn’t know when she’d be able to breathe on her own, or wake up.

If she could wake up.

She couldn’t even tell Siyeon how much she loved her. That she had loved her for years. She pressed her forehead to the glass and closed her eyes, tears fell one by one from her eyes as she whispered soft, choked I love yous. 

Bora didn’t know how many pieces she was in. She was utterly broken. The only person that could piece her back together was fighting for her life at the moment. 

This was just a nightmare, wasn’t it? Siyeon wasn’t in a coma. They had just parted ways to go home. She had just kissed her cheek, smelled her scent, hugged her tight. This was just a sick nightmare, right?

She wondered if she was in any pain. She hoped not. 

Why didn’t she make her, her girlfriend sooner? Why didn’t she confess years ago? Why did she wait so long? She hated herself for letting her go. She hated God for making this happen. She hated Minji for not letting her confess. She hated everyone and everything all at once.

She wanted to be with Siyeon.

Handong came after a while, it was her girlfriend that held Siyeon’s life in her hands. The more she watched Siyeon, the more pain she sank into. If she could end it all and be done with it, she would have but no, she had to be there for her girl, a place full of hurt. 

She had to find a way to endure it. 

Then Dr. Lee said, she could have a short visit. It could be helpful to hear from her loved ones. Bora swallowed the lump that formed in her throat, and stepped inside her room as quietly as possible not to bother the comatose girl.

Beeping sound filled the silent room. That and Bora’s soft sniffles and shaky breaths. 

She walked over to the side of her bed and she sat down on the chair. More tears streamed down her face, more sobs tried to escape her trembling lips. She muffled it with the back of her hand and took deep breaths to calm down enough to speak.

“Siyeon…” She gently held Siyeon’s hand in hers careful not to bump into wires, “I’m here, Siyeon…” 

She kissed her knuckles, “I’m never leaving you again,” Bora whispered, “I’m so sorry... I’m so, so sorry." 

“Wake up…” Her tears burned her cheeks, her vision got blurry and Bora thought it was a good thing it did. It ached to see the younger girl attached to so many tubes, with bandages covered her body that no skin showed. “Please…”

“I should’ve told you, how much-“ she took a deep breath, “I love you…”

She couldn’t believe her first I love you was like this. 

A sob escaped her dry throat, she wasn’t able to stop the next one or the ones coming after that. Watergates opened. She tried to keep it as low as possible, she didn’t want to bother Siyeon.

“Please, please, please, please, Siyeon. I love you. I have always loved you. I’m so sorry I never told you.” Bora mumbled in a low tone. “Please, stay…”

Her hands were warm, she hoped it would always stay warm. Because cold meant dead. 

“I-I don’t know what I would do without you.” She buried her face on the blanket to muffle her loud sobs. God, it hurt too much to breathe. How could she breathe so easily when Siyeon needed a machine to do it for her. 

She was drowning in her sorrow, her shoulders shaking with the force of muffled sobs to the point where she couldn’t even draw breath. 

“I- I can’t-“ Her tears were staining the younger one’s hand, “do this-“ she’d kill to feel Siyeon squeeze back, “without you…”

“I need you baby, please stay…” she mumbled, “God please take me instead,” Bora prayed to whoever was up there. She wasn’t religious but she needed to believe right now that someone was listening to her, “Take me, please, let me die for her,” Bora cried out.  
“Let her come back and take me… take me please…” 

Feeling helpless was unbearable. If she could die for her, she would. If someone said they were going to put Bora in a coma instead of Siyeon, she wouldn’t even hesitate. She’d accept in a heartbeat.

But every minute passing by without Bora doing something to help the girl was slowly killing her. It was a knife in the heart. Another cut every minute.

“I love you… baby, please, please come back to me.” 

A cry full of love.

“Wake up…”

A cry full of desperation. 

“You know I can’t live without you…”

A cry full of regret.

Please. Please. Please.

“Come back to me.”

“There is no life without you...”


	7. Betrayal

The thing people called torture was; hope.

If Bora couldn’t hang herself from the ceiling, if she couldn’t jump out of a window, if she couldn’t cut her wrists violently, it was because of the tiny bit of hope she had left.

“How is she?” Bora asked weakly as soon as Dr. Lee got out of her room. 

She hadn’t left the waiting area or her room whenever she was allowed inside. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t eat. She could barely breathe. Soon, she would need a machine for her too. 

It had been weeks.

Weeks without Siyeon’s dreamy laughter. Weeks without her deep voice or her annoying alien sounds. Weeks without Siyeon’s whining about food like a literal baby. Weeks without the love of her life.

With Minji’s constant insisting, Bora had eaten a little in order to just shut her up. But every time she went out to eat, she felt like she was missing a second with Siyeon, as if she could vanish into thin air. So her friends would bring take outs to eat in Siyeon’s room.

She wanted to memorize every tiny detail about her. 

Going to sleep was a hard task. Because she didn’t want to miss a single second with Siyeon and when her body betrayed her, forced her into sleeping, she’d only see the accident as if she was there when it happened.

She’d curl up like a ball in the chair right next to Siyeon after reading her favorite book and try to get some sleep. She would wake up with neck pains almost every day but it didn’t matter, she was in a hospital with lots of medication after all.

“Her vitals are improving,” She nodded at her girlfriend behind Bora then locked eyes with her again. “We removed her face stitches but the cut was pretty deep, she is going to have scars.”

Bora knew how insecure the younger girl was. Scars were going to make her feel awful. Bora thought she looked just as beautiful, she didn’t care about her wounds leaving scars but knowing Siyeon, she was going to have a hard time accepting them.

“Her lungs are healing so we are thinking of taking her off the ventilator. See if she can breathe on her own.” Dr. Lee added.

“What if- what if she can’t breathe on her own?” Minji asked, afraid of the answer.

“She goes back to ventilator. Her internal injuries are healing too. Her bones however will take months to heal.” Yubin sighed, “I am worried about the damage on her brain. It will determinate whether she will wake up or not.”

“But she is getting better, right?” 

“She is getting there.” 

Handong squeezed her shoulder in empathy before walking to a corner with her girlfriend. Bora watched them with a little bit of jealousy and a little bit of sorrow.

Siyeon’s condition might be getting better but she was still in coma, no one knew if she could wake up. 

After weeks in the hospital, Minji begged her to go home and rest or just take a shower then come back. But she couldn’t find it in herself to leave her alone. She just couldn't leave this smelly hospital. Because, what if?

“Bora,” She heard Minji’s soft voice next to her. Bora could tell she had been crying. They all were, none stop, ever since they got the news. “Will she be o-okay?” She whispered, looking at the girl in coma through the glass window.

“She will.” Bora said. Her tone came off a little stern but she didn’t care. She didn’t know if she was convincing the manager or herself.

“I’m so scared, Bora…” The older one pressed her forehead to the glass and closed her eyes as if she didn’t want to look at Siyeon, “I can’t help but think if I had done something differently… if we went to dinner… if we-“ Minji stopped. 

A deep, shaky indrawn breath.

“I was so rude to her the last time we spoke…”

“She will forgive you.” Bora pulled her in for a tight hug, “Hey, she will. It happens between friends.”

“Oh, Bora… I’m so sorry.” Minji mumbled onto her neck. Her tone full of regret and guilt. Why was she sorry? Honestly, Bora was too sleep deprived to think clearly. “I’m going to talk to her for a bit.”

Nodding, Bora let her go and decided to give the two some privacy and made her way to the waiting area. All of her friends came by every day to check up on her.

Some prayed, some talked to her casually, some just cried like a baby, some got really pale with just a look at Siyeon and left without a word. Her family was another story to begin with. It was hard on all of them. Once her mother found her praying on her knees, not because she was a believer, she just needed to believe right now. For now. Siyeon's mother told her, Siyeon used to talk about her a lot, that was the reason her mother had called her instead of her manager. 

Bora knew she looked awful but it was worse than she thought. 

She looked homeless. She looked like she had been sleeping in a dumpster. Her hair was messy, she had blue bags under her swollen eyes, her make-up gone, her clothes were a little dirty too. Maybe rest and shower was in order.

She spotted Yoohyeon sitting in a chair, a tissue in her hand wiping her ruined mascara. Bora got used to seeing her here every day, didn’t mean she enjoyed her company. 

The younger girl tensed as Bora approached her and sat next to her. “You can stop coming, I’m sure Minji will let you know when she wakes up.”

“W-why do you h-hate me, Bora?” Yoohyeon asked, her tone so soft and fragile. 

She blinked. Her question took Bora by surprise. She hadn’t realized she was vocal about her discomfort towards the girl.

“I don’t hate you,” Bora shrugged, “It’s just… you are close with her and I got jealous.” She admitted.

“You love her, don’t you?” 

“You can’t imagine how much.” Bora replied with honesty. 

“I’m not trying to steal her or win her heart… I just care about her a lot. I love her.” Yoohyeon sniffled, few tears dropping on her tissue in her lap, “It hurts so much, Bora…”

“I know,” Bora swallowed hard, “And I don’t know what to do. I am helpless. I feel hopeless. I’m trying my best to stay positive but-“

“It’s not easy to stay positive.”

Something about the young model made Bora open up too easily, surprisingly she felt comfortable around her. Thinking about the beef she had with Yoohyeon seemed pointless now. If Siyeon woke up and said she loved Yoohyeon, Bora would be the happiest on earth. She just wanted her back. 

“I feel like… there is no light anymore. There is nothing without her Yoohyeon.” 

When Yoohyeon remained silent and shed more tears instead, Bora continued, “I’m sorry for making you think I hate you.”

“It’s okay.” She muttered out. "I forgive you,"

The door of Siyeon’s room opened and closed and they both looked up to see Minji sliding down against the door to the floor and try to muffle her sobs with her arm. Seeing Minji like this, the strong girl who never let anyone make her upset, cry her heart out broke Bora all over again. She had known Minji almost all of her life and not once did she cry as much as she did now. 

Before she could even get up to go to her best friend, Yoohyeon rushed over her side and wrapped her arms around the manager, letting her cry against her chest. 

Something shifted between the two through the weeks. They relied on each other more and Bora couldn’t be happier about that. She had no energy left for herself let alone another person. 

She sat there. She stared at the wall blankly. 

She just wanted it to end. Was it wrong of her to think that?

She felt like a worthless heroin addict. She wanted to shout and scream and take back whatever she was missing. Maybe it was Siyeon, maybe it was the light she had in her before all of this. 

But Siyeon left. 

Not willingly but she left. 

She left a flawless internal bleeding inside Bora. She left an ugly, cranky, crowded pain behind. She left her sick, exhausted and old.

Springs left with her. Flowers died.

Bora was crying but to who?

To Siyeon, to herself, to God. 

For not saying I love you when she had the chance.

It wasn’t important that she was in pieces, completely and utterly broken. The important thing was she had lost the piece that mattered the most. 

“Hey, let’s go home and rest?” She heard Minji speak up softly. She wiped away her tears that couldn’t seem to stop for the past weeks. 

She didn’t want to go. But Siyeon wouldn’t want her to do this either. She would want her to take care of herself and actually sleep. 

“We will come back as soon as we are awake. Handong is here, she will call if anything happens.” Minji continued when she saw Bora’s hesitation. "Yoohyeon is here too."

A small nod from Bora. She didn’t bother speaking, instead she went to Siyeon’s room. “Siyeon,” Bora kneeled next to her bed, taking her hand softly in hers, “I’ll be back in few hours and you will be here, right?” A pause, “That’s right. You are a warrior. I love you.”

Letting go of Siyeon’s hand, she stood up, “Don’t go anywhere… please don’t go.” 

The night was cold and Bora was underdressed, thankfully Handong lent her a jacket. For the whole ride, Bora had to fight to stay awake. 

When they arrived at their shared apartment, Bora froze just outside their building. She locked her fingers with Minji without even noticing. She was starting to feel like this was a mistake. She shouldn’t be away from her.

“Maybe we should go back… what if she-“

“It’s okay, they will call us.”

After Bora gathered up some courage to finally go in, she realized, she didn’t want to be here. 

“I-I want to go back,” Bora mumbled backing up but she hit the front of Minji’s body instead.

“I know.” Minji said softly, wrapping her arms around Bora to keep her up. 

After weeks of crying quietly in the corners or in her room, Bora let herself go. 

She collapsed on the floor, dragging Minji down with her. Bora snuggled on the manager’s chest, and she started crying hysterically. Loudly. 

They both did.

Minji finally let out every frustration, every burden, every sadness, every hopeless thought. The silent home was filled with loud sobs. 

They let themselves fall apart for one night. 

Just to think Siyeon wouldn’t make it, broke them over and over again. The only time the cries stopped was the time they needed to draw breath. 

But their loud sobs came to a stop after what felt like hours.

With one last hug, "Thank you, Minji, i'll take a shower." she mumbled and rose to her feet as she walked straight to the bathroom. She’d think after weeks of crying; she wouldn’t have any tears left but they kept coming. 

They were mingling with warm water. She pressed her back against the cold wall and slid down until she was sitting down, she didn’t care if Minji could hear her cries, or her silent screams. The manager was probably crying too. 

She was tired of everything. 

At some point, she even envied Siyeon. If she could ignore the fact that Siyeon was fighting for her life every minute, she was just having a nap.

Peaceful one at that. 

She’d do anything for a dreamless sleep. 

Flicking away the tears, she washed her body as quickly as possible. She washed away the dirt of not showering for a week, washed away the guilt, the sadness, the hopelessness, the helplessness, the desperation, the emptiness.

After drying herself quickly, she put on her pajamas, exhaustion was making it hard to even walk to her room.

As soon as her head hit the pillow, she drifted off the sleep almost immediately.

The car rolled few times before coming to a stop upside down. Siyeon’s body was laying from the side window, the glass was cutting her skin, blood dripping from her mouth to the dirty road.

Siyeon extended her hand to her, a tear escaped her eye, mingling with the blood coming from her mouth, “B-Bora…”

Bora couldn’t move no matter how many times she tried. 

“H-Help me, B-Bora,” Siyeon pleaded, “It h-hurts,” 

Bora tried to move again but she felt like an iron statue. Her body didn’t move. Trying again, “I can’t move! Please stay with me! Stay! I love you Siyeon please!”

“Then w-why didn’t y-you” Siyeon coughed up blood, her eyes slowly closing, “save m-me?” 

Then she took her last breath.

A soft knock woke her up from the repeating nightmare. Every time she went to sleep, this exact nightmare was waiting for her. She felt like a failure. No… She was a failure. She had a bad feeling yet she let her go. 

“Bora?” Minji walked in, with watery blood shot eyes, “Bora, I’m so sorry,”

Worst scenario popped in her head. No. It couldn’t be. Handong would’ve called her not Minji. She shoved that thought away.

“What happened?” Bora forced herself to wake up and shake off the nightmare, her best friend needed her. 

“Forgive me,” Minji threw herself in her arms. Although Minji was much taller and bigger than her, she looked so small, she fit right in Bora’s arms. 

“For what?” Bora asked, letting the older one soak her pajamas with tears. By now she knew, it wasn’t about Siyeon’s condition.

“Promise me,” Minji sniffled, “You won’t hate me.”

“I- What happened Minji?” 

Somehow, she knew where this was going and no, she wasn’t prepared for it. 

“Bora…” She whispered, keeping her tone to minimum, “Bora, I don’t want to lose you but it’s- it’s eating me alive… I can’t- I can’t keep this charade up anymore,” 

“It hurts- it hurts to think you are going to hate me after I-I tell you but I can’t live with this burden… it hurts so much,” Minji whispered, tightening her hold. Afraid Bora might slip away. "I'm so sorry,"

Bora thought back to the day where the two were really weird towards each other. To think that her suspicions were true, to think that Minji did in fact betrayed her was unbearable.

“But don’t blame her… don’t leave her okay? Leave me if you need to but not her… she needs you. Promise me, you won’t leave Siyeon.”

“I promise. I would never.” Bora answered in a heartbeat and she meant it.

“Bora-“

She let go of her best friend to stand up from the bed, she needed space between them. To prepare what was to come.

A look of disappointment in her eyes as she sat on the edge of the bed, her head held down, “We- we were too drunk to think and I-“

“You wouldn’t.” Bora stopped her while she still had respect for her best friend. Before she confirmed her thoughts. 

“I am so sorry,” 

“No, you wouldn’t, because you know damn well how much I am- I have been in love with her for years!” Her voice raised as temper took hold. 

“I’m sorry,” She repeated herself, her lips trembling with regret while the tears just kept flowing out of her eyes. 

Fury arched through her veins, “So you are telling me, you fucked the girl I have been dreaming about, the girl you forbid me to date?”

“I wasn’t-“

“I couldn’t confess because of you! I couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved! She doesn’t deserve one night stand with her manager, she deserved to be worshipped!” 

“I-I know,” Her voice choked into a sob as the manager covered her face with her hands, “I’m sorry.”

“And now she might die and the last person that kissed her, that touched her… it’d be you!” Bora clenched her fists tight so she wouldn’t punch her friend. “I had this awful feeling whole day, that day but I thought my friend would never because she knows it’d be the end of our friendship.”

“Bora…”

Bora’s eyes were hard, rigid, cold, “You are a hypocrite.” 

Minji held her sharp eyes, “What?”

“You told me, I shouldn’t date her because she is insecure and needs to learn to love herself and focus on her career,” Bora’s eyes narrowed, “But I guess, having sex for one night with a person you don’t even love will make her love herself.” 

“You knew how much I love her. Yet…” Bora actually giggled but somehow the sound was… off.

“Bora-“

“You know, I thought you were my best friend. It’s my bad actually for trusting you.” It was different-flat, toneless… cold. Not angry, not anything, just cold. 

Minji looked like she had it coming, as if she was prepared for it.

She wasn’t angry or disappointed in Siyeon though. The model probably didn’t like Bora, even if she did, they weren’t exclusive. She had every right to have sex with anyone she’d like. 

It was Minji. She had cried in her arms for countless nights. She had vent about her love for Siyeon. She even agreed to hold back when Minji asked her not to confess or date her. 

“I know you are her friend and I am in no position to forbid you from seeing her. But if-“ Bora corrected herself, “When she wakes up, I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“Please just-“

“I’ll find somewhere else to sleep.” Bora said and grabbed her phone before walking out of her bedroom. She put on her jacket and shoes quickly, if she stayed one more second, she might kill her ex-best friend. 

“I’m so sorry, Bora,” A tone lower than a whisper. 

Bora scoffed, “So much for being a best friend, huh?” 

Remember, how Bora had said if her best friend betrayed her, she would have nothing? 

Well.

Now she had nothing.


	8. Sorry

“Hey, there.”

It was a female doctor that was reading her charts. Siyeon took a closer look at her name tag, Lee Yubin. Siyeon recalled Yoohyeon telling her about Handong’s doctor girlfriend. She wondered if it could be her. 

“You are doing good, I’m proud of you.” She waved a flashlight in Siyeon’s eyes and sighed, “I’m doing everything I can for you.”

Siyeon watched the doctor gently take off her bandage on her cheek. The stiches were out and Siyeon just knew there was going to be a scar there. 

A scar on her flawless face.

A flaw.

“I’m here as a friend for now.” She said, “I know we didn’t meet officially so I’m Yubin. You may know me as Handong’s girlfriend.” She chuckled and Siyeon thought it was cute how she was having a causal conversation with her.

“Nice to meet you.” 

The doctor squeezed her hand softly, “The damage on your brain is worrying me, Siyeon. I don’t know what to do and I always know what to do.”

“We tried to take you off ventilator but you couldn’t breathe on your own. We will try again after your lungs are completely healed.” 

The doctor – Yubin sat down on the chair, “You have one hell of a support system. Your friends love you so much. Bora didn’t leave here for weeks.”

Siyeon wanted to get back into her body. She tried touching her leg and pretend she was the one laying there, she laid on top of herself maybe she’d get sucked right back in but nothing worked so far.

As much as she wanted to wake up, she also didn’t. She was conflicted. 

The doctor said, her friends love her so much but would they still with a scar on her face and body? She wasn’t going to be a model anymore. That was the only reason people paid attention to her. Her flawless, smooth face and body.

She had any of these now. Who was she without her job? She had no idea what she’d be.

All of this because someone decided to drink too much and get distracted while driving. Now, someone’s brother, husband, friend, son was dead. And she was here. Hanging by a thread. Her beautiful features long gone, covered in ugly scars. Her stomach had a big long surgical cut, still healing, she looked unpleasant to the eye. 

No one was going to love her anymore. Minji was going to be a manager to some other model and Bora was going to style someone else.

“Wake up, Siyeon. Everyone misses you. I don’t know you but I’d do anything to hear your voice, to hear you talk back to me.”

As bad as she felt for her family and friends, she wasn’t ready to be ugly. Maybe to others, she’d still be beautiful, beauty was a relative concept.

“What kind of songs do you like?”

Jazz.

“I think you are the type of person that would like old songs…”

I like old songs too.

The doctor smiled softly, “How about movies?”

Anything but romantic.

“You wouldn’t like romantic; I just have a feeling.”

I really don’t, strange doctor.

“Are you a morning person or a night person?”

Night. Definitely. 

“Night? I think you are a night owl.”

Bingo.

“I prefer mornings.”

That’s good to know. I don’t like mornings.

“Do you have someone in your heart?”

Kim Bora.

“I want to say you do. Otherwise… I don’t think anyone else would have survived the accident. It surely is a miracle, Siyeon.”

The doctor leaned forward, arms braced on her thighs, “You have someone to fight for, don’t you? Someone to stay for.”

I do. I’m not ready to leave Bora yet, I love her... 

“So stay, alright?” She muttered, “What kind of books do you read?”

“She doesn’t read books much.” A new voice appeared. Bora smiled at the doctor and sat on the chair that was on the other side of the bed. 

“Oh? I had a feeling she would like books.” 

Bora shook her head, “She would rather sit by the window and watch outside with a coffee in hand.” She said, “What were you doing? Is she okay?”

“She is stable. I was here as more of a friend.” Yubin explained, “I’m glad you went home to rest, you look better. My hospital was starting to smell.” She said jokingly and chuckled.

Bora didn’t smile, she kept her gaze on Siyeon’s face without any expression. Just blank. Maybe she was thinking how ugly she looked. 

Tubes, wounds, scars… of course she wouldn’t like her. Siyeon didn’t even know why she was always here.

Beeping sounds from the machines filled the silent room.

“I wish I hadn’t.” Bora whispered under her breath and Yubin arched an eyebrow. 

“Why is that?”

Bora shrugged, her face was a mask with no emotions, “I lost someone.”

“Hey, she is fighting to stay alive. I am positive she will wake up.” Yubin reassured her. 

Who’d she lose if Siyeon was still breathing? Did she mean metaphorically? 

“Not that kind of loss.”

So metaphorically. 

“What happened?”

Another shrug, “Nothing. I just learned that you can’t even trust your best friend anymore.” Bora said, “Ex-best friend.”

Oh no. 

She remembered that conversation Minji had with her. Where she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell Bora or not. That would mean she did. That would mean… she had lost every chance of being with Bora.

Not that she ever had any chance. But Minji and Bora. She just ruined that chance for both of them as well. 

She didn’t know whether to be relieved or sad. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” 

Bora nodded and kept her gaze on Siyeon. She still couldn’t read any emotions in her face and it was starting to bother her. Bora was always an open book about her feelings.

The doctor excused herself to give them privacy and Bora sighed yet again for the millionth time as her shoulders slumped. "You are fighting so hard, I'm so proud of you."

“I want you to know I’m not mad at you for… for that one-night stand.”

She wasn’t? 

“If I had told you how much I love you sooner, then you wouldn’t need her to make you feel good for a night because I would have make you feel good and beautiful every second of your life.” 

Wait. 

That couldn’t be real.

Kim Bora loved her? 

The Kim Bora she was deeply in love with reciprocated her feelings? 

That was quite impossible. Didn’t she love Minji? 

“But I can’t even look at her. She fucking knew, Siyeon.” Bora’s voice trembled with anger, “She knew about my love to you. Yet she took advantage of your drunken state.”

Her jaw clenched shut and she took a deep breath to calm herself down, “Don’t be sorry that we are no longer friends though. It’s not your fault. Minji knew what would happen. You were off the limits and she crossed a line.”

“And I hate her so much for even thinking of touching you that way when I couldn’t even tell you, I love you, because of her.”

Because of her? 

Siyeon still couldn’t understand why and how Bora loved her. It was surreal. Even with a scar on her face? 

“When you wake up… if you tell me you love Minji, that’s okay. I wouldn’t be mad at you. I just want you back, Siyeon.” 

Bora held her hand between hers and pressed a soft kiss on it, “Please just come back. You don’t have to love me…”

“But I love you so much.”

The loud, annoying sound of her alarm disturbed her. She reached out to her phone, turning it off so she could go back to sleep. She felt tired. 

No, not psychically. Her body was in great form. It was her mind that was tired. Exhausted. Drained. And worn out.

Her life turned into a dream that disappeared every morning, waiting for her every night and made her days unbearable.

She still had no idea what this was. A fake life created in her head. Up until yesterday she thought this was her real life and the dreams were just dreams. Little did she know these were glimpses of her actual life where she was in coma. Where Bora loved her.

A life she didn’t know if she’d want to wake up to.

This was just as real.

She could eat, smell, touch, talk to people, travel and everything. This was entirely a new life with little bits of changes. 

Such as Minji and Bora dating. 

She had a theory for that. As stated, Siyeon had always thought the two would end up together and here they did. They were together. It was such a cruel trick her mind played on her.

Apparently, the time wasn’t working according to real life because here she had spent what could possibly be few days and in real life, it had been weeks maybe even more, she had no idea. 

In one of the visions she caught a glimpse of the date on the TV. 

She didn’t pay much attention to that, she was well taken care of and from what it seemed, her body was healing except her brain.

Yubin – Doctor, was such a nice woman, other than regular check-ups, she would casually have a conversation with her, tell her about the crazy patients she had that day and leave. Then sometimes Handong would come along and they’d have a lovey-dovey moment that’d leave Siyeon empty. 

Her manager barely came now. 

At least Siyeon didn’t witness any of it. By the times she was awake in her dream world, she had no clue what was going on in the real world.

She stopped thinking how this was possible anymore, just focused on getting the fuck out of here. She found nothing that could help her though. In conclusion she was stuck here. Maybe all she needed was time for her brain to completely heal.

In the meanwhile, she focused on what she’d do after – if ever – she woke up. She was going to have scars on her smooth skin. No more modelling. No more the attention she’d get after runways or photoshoots. No more magazine covers.

She had nothing. 

Except Bora’s love. 

No, she didn’t buy that Kim Bora loved her the way she did but Bora looked genuine. She’d never lie to Siyeon, she never had and never would.

But still, it didn’t seem quite possible. 

She wasn’t even mad at her for sleeping with Minji. Although she did cut her friendship with her but wasn’t she supposed to be mad at Siyeon too? Minji didn’t rape her, she wanted it as much as her manager. 

Nevertheless, Bora had said she loved her. She fucking loved her. Siyeon needed to get out of this world and be with the woman of her dreams where she wasn’t in love with her manager but her.

Her.

But was Bora enough for a life time of misery and insecurity? 

She turned to the wall, drew her knees to her chest. She laid there in fetal position for God knew how long, her silent tears flowing unchecked. Involuntarily, she touched her cheek. Feeling the smooth skin under her fingertips as she traced her fingers down to her jawline. Smooth. It was where she had the biggest scar.

Then touched her forehead, her temples, her chin. She had cuts everywhere. Some deep, some small, but ultimately they all left a scar. But it was smooth here.

Her fingers traced a flat line on her stomach. Where she had the deep scar. Where they cut her open. 

A thought occurred in her mind. Was she going to remember any of this if she managed to wake up? 

That would be a shame if she didn’t.

“I fucked up, Siyeon.” 

Minji was sitting on the chair next to her bed, her head in her hands. “I told her. I know we promised not to but do you have any idea how hard it is to live with it while you are… struggling to stay alive.”

I don’t blame you, Minji. It’s okay. 

Siyeon sat next to her and put her hand on the manager’s shoulder to comfort her but of course it wasn’t felt. 

“But don’t be sad, it’s my fault for letting it happen. I was too drunk to think. Bora loved you for years and I-I fucked up.”

It’s okay… 

“I’m sorry if I don’t come too much, Bora didn’t say it but I know she doesn’t want me here.”

But I want you here, please stay.

Minji smiled at her softly, “I’ve missed you. You look a lot better.”

Look at me, Minji. All I have is scars. Who is going to love me? I’m nothing. Siyeon said despite not being heard. She leaned closer to take a better look at herself. 

The tube in her throat must be uncomfortable. Thankfully she didn’t feel anything. Her bandages on her stomach were replaced, the casts on her leg and arm were still there, the bandage on her head too. The only thing that was missing, were the tapes on her eyes – which she didn’t know why they were there in the first place – and the one on her cheek. The scar remained. It would always remain. 

“When you wake up and recover fully, we will still see each other right? I know Bora wouldn’t want us to meet but I don’t want to lose you.”

Bora can’t control who I see, Minji, of course we will. You will never lose me.

“It gets harder every day.” Minji sighed, “If I had said yes to the dinner, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

How could you have known? Stop blaming yourself. 

“I should go before Bora gets here… she went to rest and I came.” 

Thank you for not leaving me.

“Yoohyeon is kind of cute, isn’t she?”

She is! You would be perfect for her! Siyeon smiled at the way Minji’s eyes beamed with happiness at the mention of her. 

“After this is over, after you wake up, I might ask her out… would you support me?” Minji asked shyly. 

Always! 

“I knew you would.” Minji chuckled as if she heard her. “I know you are going to have a hard time with the scar but Siyeon, people didn’t love you for your looks. I assure you. Everyone loves you for you. No one cares about your flaws but you. I will help you get through it though.” 

I don’t know, Minji…

“You are so beautiful, Siyeon.” Her manager stood up and gave her a kiss on the head, “I love you.”

I love you too.

She watched Minji leave her room quietly and watched her hug Yoohyeon through the glass. She drew her knees to her chest on the chair she was seated and turned her attention back on her ruined body. 

She nudged her side. Wake up, stubborn idiot. She nudged her arm that wasn’t in a cast repeatedly. Come on, I don’t know how to get back! 

Siyeon let out a frustrated sigh. She tried again. Nothing. 

Listen, if you wake up without any memories, I’m going to be so mad.

On second thought, would it be so bad? She wouldn’t remember the bullies; she wouldn’t remember the self-loath or any insecurities. It would be a fresh start, a clean page. She would be who and what she wanted to be from the start. Choose her own path. A choice she never had.

But.

She wouldn’t remember her love for Bora. How they met, how she fell head over heels for her.

However, that could happen again. She’d fall for Bora any time.

So maybe amnesia was in order out of mercy. 

Come on. Come on. You can do it. 

She closed her eyes and pictured herself lying in bed, she pictured how the tube would feel in her throat. 

After a while of failed tries, she grunted in annoyance. 

God damn it. Why can’t I wake up? 

The door opened softly and Siyeon shot a glance up to see who it was. Gahyeon? How nice of her to check up on her. They weren’t too close but they were no strangers either. 

Gahyeon sat on the chair next to bed and took Siyeon’s hand in hers softly, she was mumbling something under her breath, Siyeon couldn’t hear even though she was sitting right next to her.

She didn’t have to try too hard to hear because Gahyeon turned up her volume, “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking so low. You know how loud I can be… I didn’t want to bother you, Siyeon.” 

Her heart sank in her chest with the sight of the assistant. Witnessing the little girl cry her heart out as quietly as possible was heartbreaking. 

I’m here, don’t cry.

Gahyeon finally stopped crying enough to speak, “I always envied you, Siyeon. You are my role model.” She sniffled, “I took the job in this agency for you… I wanted you to mentor me.”

Gahyeon wasn’t looking at Siyeon as if she was almost scared to look at her ruined face, she was looking down, tears falling one by one to the hospital floor.

“Would you? Mentor me?” She asked softly and Siyeon nodded. Always. She kind of was in her dream world.

“You are my idol… please, you can’t leave me.” She wasn’t just crying, she looked drained of hope. It was so desperate. As her shoulders shook with hysterical sobs, the assistant never once looked up at Siyeon’s face but she didn’t let go of her hand either.

Siyeon wanted to feel her touch, tell her she would always be there for her, she would mentor her and help her take Siyeon’s place since she couldn’t be a model anymore.

“Please… Please come back.” Gahyeon begged, for the first time since she came to the room, she gazed up at Siyeon’s face with watery eyes, running her fingertips on the scar light as a feather, “I miss you so much.”

Siyeon growled to herself, frustrated, irritated that she couldn’t get back into her own body, that she couldn’t feel anything as a ghost or whatever the fuck it was. 

She paced around her room, unable to touch anything, feel anything, talk to anyone, all alone in this state. She had no idea how long she had left in her real life before she woke up to the fake one.

It was so pointless. She was so tired. On top of that, she wasn’t ready to face the cruelty of the society if she could wake up. She was going to be a freak. Korean beauty standards didn’t accept an acne let alone a big scar on the face. No one was going to accept her. 

Despite not being able to feel anything, she could swear, there was a tightening on her chest. Breathing got harder as if the oxygen in the room suddenly left. 

She didn’t want to live like this but she sure as hell didn’t want to go back to a world where her two best friends were madly in love with each other.

Debating her options, most of which were useless, she forced herself to stay here. But the more she put effort to stay here, the more it got harder to breathe. 

The monitors started to blip and beep frequently and a lot louder than it used to. Dr. Lee and few nurses barged into her room and said medical terms Siyeon didn’t understand. Didn’t bother to understand.

What was the point? It wasn’t her job to care about that. 

The doctor, Yubin, screamed someone to prep the operation room and explained what was happening but in all honesty, Siyeon just wanted it to end. Would it be so bad? Everyone would be free of this smelly, hideous, suffocating hospital. They’d go back to their lives and move on. Siyeon wouldn’t have to live this way. Everyone would win.

In her engrossed thought, she might have heard some organ –lungs perhaps she didn’t listen much - teared inside her and it was leaking. 

What the hell, was she a car that it was leaking? How stupid. 

Siyeon watched a nurse detach the tubes and replace them with other ones before taking her out of the room with the bed. 

She didn’t follow. If she got lucky, she might die on the table. 

Dying was easy, she noticed. 

The people staying behind were the ones suffering because she didn’t feel. 

Bora’s eyes were glued on her body with tears streaming down her cheek quietly, “Please, don’t leave me…”

I’m sorry, Bora.


	9. Should I?

She had a tough choice to make. 

To wake up or to let go.

To go wherever she’d go after death. Maybe she’d stay here. Who knew? There was still a big question mark on if it was in her power to wake up.

To a world full of pain.

But Bora loved her.

The girl she was irrevocably, unconditionally in love with reciprocated her feelings. 

Wasn’t this enough to want to go back?

Maybe.

Last she remembered, they were rushing her to OR, but unless this was after life, she was still alive. Hopefully. Since she had no clue how the time worked, it could have been an hour or a day or even a week. 

She missed Bora. 

Not the fake one but her Bora. 

Because this Bora sucked. She wasn’t even real. None of this were real. There was literally no point of getting out of bed. 

Her phone started to ring. With a sigh she picked it up off the nightstand and checked the ID. Speak of the devil and devil will come. 

“Hi, Bora.” 

“Hey, how you holding up?” 

She exhaled an exaggerated, long sigh, “Fine.” It wasn’t. “You?” 

“I’m on way to your place. Are you busy?” 

Scowling, “No but why?” Siyeon asked. 

“Well, Minji is and I’m bored.” 

Siyeon rolled her eyes. “Am I a replacement?” 

A soft laugh filled her ears, “Of course not. I love spending time with you. So can I come?”

“Sure.”

“Good, because I’m already here.”

The door rang just as her sentence finished. How convenient. Siyeon hung up the phone and tried to fix her messy hair and when it didn’t quite work, she tied it quickly before walking to the front door and open it to reveal her dream Bora. 

“Hey!” Bora walked in without waiting an invitation, not that she’d need it but it’d be nice to wait to be let in. 

Seeing her reminded her the real Bora suffering every day just because she couldn’t find a way back. Her heart ached as she closed the door behind Bora. 

“Have you eaten anything yet?” Bora asked on her way to the kitchen. Siyeon followed her like a tail and answered with a shake of her head. 

“Should I make you anything? Are you hungry?” 

“Coffee would be nice.” 

Bora nodded and poured water in the kettle. Siyeon sat on one of the kitchen stool and let her feet swing as she watched her. Maybe one day, they would live together and Bora would make her delicious meals every day. 

If Siyeon let herself dream for a second, one day they could even get married. She wasn’t sure if Bora would accept her flaws but she let herself have that dream for now. 

“Bora?” 

“Yes?”

“Would you still accept me if I had flaws?” Siyeon asked softly. 

“Everyone has flaws, Si.” Bora muttered, “No one is perfect. I have flaws too. Have you heard my laugh?” 

“I love your laugh. It’s contagious.” Siyeon defended her right away. Even on her worse days, Bora’s laugh would make it all go away. 

“Well, I don’t like it much. I’m glad you do.” Bora laughed, “What kind of flaws are we talking about?” 

“Would you still accept me if I had scars?” Words left her mouth before she could stop them. She bit her bottom lip in embarrassment, pinching the back of her hand. 

“Scars? Did you do something?” Bora rose to her feet and ended up kneeling right in front of her so fast that Siyeon’s brain couldn’t even comprehend what Bora meant. Do what exactly?

“What?”

Bora didn’t answer. Instead she rolled up her pajama’s sleeves to look at her wrists. Both of them. Oh, that was what she meant. 

“No! No, I didn’t self-harm, God, Bora, I wouldn’t.” Siyeon held her hands to calm her down, searching for her eyes but Bora kept her gaze on her wrists. 

“So what do you mean scars?” 

“What would you do… if I had-“ Siyeon traced her fingertip on Bora’s cheek down to her jawline just like the scar she had, “A scar like this. Would you still accept me? Think I’m ‘hot’?” 

Bora scowled for a second, then finally meeting her gaze with a grin, “You’d look like a sexy villain.” She said, in hopes of making her smile.

That did make Siyeon smile a little but that smile didn’t reach her eyes. She didn’t want to look like a bad woman, she just wanted to be beautiful. 

“I’m serious.” 

“I’d still think you are beautiful.” Bora answered sincerely and pressed her soft lips against her wrist. “No matter what.” 

Siyeon remained silent. Would her Bora think that too?

The older one made her a cup of coffee and placed it on the kitchen table. Then she started preparing herself a toast. Siyeon brought the cup on her lips and blew on the hot coffee before taking a small sip all the while keeping her gaze on Bora.

She recalled old times just by watching her. 

“What kind of fashion is this?” A teenager girl laughed at her, pointing her clothes to one of her friends. 

Siyeon thought her clothes were nice, they were not ideal but it was average for a high school girl. It kept her warm, that’s all that mattered. Plus, her mother bought these. 

She was pinned between the door and three mean girls. She had done nothing to them, hadn’t said a word but they loved to pick up on her. Thought she was an easy target. 

Well, she was. 

She had dealt with bullies all through high school, it was the third year already and two girls she had met few months ago weren’t too close to care about keeping her safe from bullies. 

“Do you really think people will love you when you look like that?” One of the girls said with a smug grin, “God, she is so fat.” 

Siyeon kept her gaze on the floor and waited for the insults to be over. She wasn’t too skinny but she wasn’t too fat either. 

Another girl knocked the books in her hands all over the floor, “Oops.” 

Siyeon made no effort to pick them up right now, they would knock it off again and again just to watch her clean it up like a slave. 

“Since you need to lose weight, give us your lunch money.” 

“How about you fuck off and find someone else to mess with?” A new voice.

Siyeon lifted her head up to see who it was. Bora pushed away the girl who was clearly the leader of the losers and stood her ground. She held her stern gaze. 

“And why would we do that?” The girl tilted her head to side in a mocking way. 

“I’ve seen you smoke inside of school a lot of times, I’ve even seen you smoke weed and I’ve taped it.” Bora’s lips curved into a grin, “Unless you want it in principle’s hands… I suggest you never mess with her ever again.” 

A pure terror on the girl’s face as Siyeon’s eyes widened. It was a strict rule; not to smoke inside school or they’d get expelled. 

The girl took a quick look around to be sure no one else heard, “If I stop, will you delete it?” 

“I will delete it at the very last day of school and get confirmation from Siyeon that you never bothered her.” 

“Fine.” 

They left in such hurry, Siyeon couldn’t believe her eyes. Bora knelt down to pick up every book on the floor and held it in her hands as she looked at Siyeon with an adorable smile. 

“Are you okay?” 

“You didn’t have to do that; I’m used to them.” Siyeon said and grabbed her books from Bora’s hands. 

“Of course I did. You are my friend.” Bora linked their arms together and led them down in the hallway, “Minji and I were going out to eat. Do you want to join us?”

Siyeon’s cheeks turned red at the proximity of the girl. From the moment she met Bora, every time they came close, her heart would tremble inside her. She’d blush, stutter and get goosebumps with a touch of a hand. 

It wasn’t a mystery, Siyeon fell for the girl at first sight. She would never confess though. She would never be enough for her and what Bora had with Minji was irreplaceable. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes! You look beautiful by the way. Is that a new sweater?” Bora complimented her. 

“My mom bought it for me. it’s not that good…” As the girls said, no one would love her in these clothes. 

“I think they are lovely, Siyeon. You look 15 in them.” 

“Well, I’m 17 so it’s not that wide gap.”

Choking on unexpected laughter, Bora leaned against her arm, “You just look cute in anything you wear, Siyeon.”

“Earth to Siyeon?” Bora waved her hand in front of her. She noticed she got too lost in her memory with Bora. 

“Sorry. Have you finished already?” Siyeon asked in disbelief. 

Nodding, “So, why did you ask about scars?” Bora asked as she cleaned up her mess in the kitchen.

She shrugged. That’s how I am now, Siyeon thought.

“Come here.” Bora ordered as she went to her bedroom, came back with lots of makeup. Without waiting for her to follow, she sat on the couch as she laid the things she brought on it.

Unsure of what she was planning, the younger girl sat across her, their bodies facing each other. 

“I don’t know what you were thinking but I know for a fact you’d be beautiful either way. So I will prove it to you.” 

Then Bora scooted closer to her. Fingertips gently tracing a line on her cheek, “Here, you said?” A nod from the blushing and tensed girl. Her heart raced in her ribcage, ready to jump out of her mouth. 

Too close, too close. 

Bora got to work. She was skilled, talented in every way. Everything a girl would hope to have, Bora had it. She was incredible. 

Siyeon closed her eyes because she couldn’t look at the girl inches away from her face. By the way Bora grinned, Siyeon knew she saw the blush on her cheeks. 

“Almost done, hang on.” 

Her hands were trembling. She shoved the imagine of her ugly, scarred face out of her mind and focused on the concentrated Bora. 

“Can I have your apartment?” Bora asked, half-jokingly because they both knew Bora would take her apartment right away even though she couldn’t afford the rent.

They were snuggled in front of the fireplace Bora loved a lot, with hot chocolates in hands and the sweet warmth of the fire.

“Or you can just move in.” Siyeon shrugged. She said it with no hint of sarcasm in her tone which caused Bora to arch an eyebrow. Honestly, it came out without thinking so Siyeon cursed at herself internally. 

“I’m a package though. If you want me, you are getting a big sized Kim Minji. She is good for cuddles so we can use her as a pillow.”

“Oh last time I did that; I woke up with her on top of me crushing my windpipe.” Siyeon laughed softly and nuzzled her head against Bora’s neck. Their legs tangled together underneath the blanket. 

Siyeon’s paradise.

“True, she sleeps like a wild animal.” Bora intertwined their fingers and caressed the back of her hand with her thumb. “Maybe… one day.” 

“One day?” Siyeon murmured. The thought of living with Bora made her shiver. 

She heard Bora placing the cup away from them and then felt her warm fingers under her chin, lifting her head up to look at her eyes.

Siyeon put a lot of effort not to stare at her beautiful, kissable lips and focused on her shining eyes. Maybe one day, she could feel them. 

The older girl leaned her head down to give her nose a kiss, “But for now… How about I stay the night?”

She prayed that Bora couldn’t feel her heart, about to jump out of her mouth. 

“Yes... Stay.”

After a while, she stopped feeling Bora’s breath on her face and the things Bora used to draw a scar on her face.

She didn’t even know how one could draw a scar with make-up. Reluctantly, her eyes fluttered open meeting Bora’s shining eyes and beautiful smile. 

“I told you, you still look beautiful.”

Her compliment made her smile slightly. “Do you want to see?” Bora asked when Siyeon made no attempt to move. 

She was uncertain. Did she? She saw the real scar. It didn’t leave her mind for a second. 

Regardless, Bora worked hard to do it. As she nodded, Bora held up a mirror for Siyeon to see her face. 

And there it was. 

It wasn’t as real but it looked similar.

Damaged. 

Marked.

Ugly.

“You are beautiful, no matter what, Siyeon.” 

No. 

Not with this.

She saw the tears roll down her cheeks before she even felt them coming. That was how she was going to look for the rest of her life. Her vision got blurry. She stared at herself through the mirror. Unblinking. Her eyes started to burn but she didn’t care.

Undesired, unloved, unwanted. That’s what she was going to be. 

It was a punch to the gut. A knife to the heart.

Without a second thought, Siyeon ran to the bathroom. She turned on the water and started wiping off the makeup Bora had done along with her tears.

“Siyeon… what’s going on?” Bora asked concern evident on her voice. She didn’t step in the bathroom, just watched the younger girl from the door frame.

“I don’t want to look like this.” Siyeon said firmly, she leaned on the sink to wash it off, her palm aggressively rubbing her cheek to get rid of it. To look beautiful again. 

“It’s just make up…” 

“No! I don’t-“ A sob escaped her lips, “I can’t look like this.” Siyeon said, finally she was make up free. Leaning against the sink, she let the tears drop. She wasn’t ashamed of crying in front of others, especially not Bora. 

Bora saw her at her worst and her best. 

Would her Bora love her like this? 

“No one is going to love me…” Siyeon mumbled, and sat down on the floor, hugging her knees close to her chest as she just cried. Bora didn’t tell her to stop, she didn’t try to say comforting words, she sat down next to crying girl and wrapped her small arms around her.

“I’ll look so ugly,” Siyeon managed to say in between her sobs, “n-no one is going to accept me.” She knew nothing made sense to Bora right now, she was talking none sense. But Bora hugged her tighter instead of telling her how crazy she sounded. “I’ll look like a- like a freak…” 

“Siyeon-“

Abruptly, Siyeon got to her feet, with a sudden need to be alone, “No.” She left the bathroom followed by a confused Bora. “No one is going to love me... no one, not even you.” 

“Hey!” Bora spun her around and cupped her cheeks, forcing her to stay still and listen. “Calm down, please.”

“I don’t w-want to wake up,” Siyeon whispered weakly. 

Bora’s eyebrow rose. Even if she didn’t understand, she nodded at the trembling girl between her hands, “Then don’t.” 

“B-But you are waiting for me... You are hurting and I-I feel so selfish for not trying harder to wake up,” Siyeon muttered, “But I-I tried, Bora. I wanted to go back to you, I just don’t know how.”

Bora wiped her tears with her thump, she pressed a soft kiss on her cheek where the makeup was. Her lips felt so soft against her skin. 

“You are not selfish, maybe you are just not ready.” 

“But- but you are waiting for me.”

“Then I’ll wait a little more.”

Siyeon wrapped her arms around the smaller girl’s neck and whispered, “What if I forget you?”

She felt Bora’s smile against her neck, tightening her hold on her waist, “Then I’ll remind you of me. I’m not easy to forget.”

It was true, who could forget the great Kim Bora? Conqueror of her heart. Siyeon’s feet were off the ground in a split second and the next she was sitting on Bora’s lap on the couch.

Shaking her head, “Will you still love me?” Siyeon said breathlessly, “Even with that scar?” More tears flowed out of her eyes uncontrollably. God, wasn’t there an off switch? 

“There is beauty in the flaw.” Bora cupped her cheeks and smiled softly, “I’m flawed too…” Bora pecked her nose. “I’ll always accept you.”

When Siyeon couldn’t stop crying enough to speak, Bora continued, “Everything will be okay. If you don’t want to wake up, then don’t. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. You said I was waiting for you. Then I will keep waiting for you. Take your time.” 

“W-What if you get sick of waiting for me?” Siyeon hid her face on the crook of her neck, “I’ve waited to be loved by you for years and n-now that you do, I-I don’t want to lose it.” She whispered against her skin, tightening her hold.

“I will never get sick of waiting for you.”

“I’m- I’m a terrible person, Bora… I-“ more tears flowed out of her eyes, to the older one’s neck. “I ruined your friendship… I had- I did something with someone close to you... You ended the friendship with her but… forgave me. How can I live with that?”

“Hey, you are not a terrible person. I’m sure we will find a way. Look at me,” Bora gently pushed her body so they’d be face to face again. She wiped her tears that couldn’t seem to stop, “Friends can’t stay mad at each other for long, right?”

“Bora…” A sob escaped her lips, “I love you so much… I’ve loved you for ages. I’m so sorry for not waking up… I’m trying but nothing- nothing works!” 

“You are just not ready. It’s okay.”

“It’s not! You are hurting…” Siyeon pressed her forehead against hers and took a shaky breath, “I want you, I want to wake up too but… I’m so scared of the reality. The pain… my face…”

“What did I tell you? You are so beautiful.” Bora’s hand slid down from her waist to her thighs, “Siyeon, I know you think your face is just an asset but it’s so much more than that. Your friends, I don’t care if you have a scar here and there. We will help you get back on your feet.”

Yes, she had a long, long way of accepting to be in her own skin or simply to look in the mirror without crying but if Bora was there, she would help her get through it. 

If Bora was there, everything would be okay. She’d make it okay. All she had to do was to get back.

“I know, I’m so lucky to have them… Everyone is waiting for me. I- I don’t know how time works. It could’ve been months but they’re still there…But you are so mad at Minji. I’ve never seen you so angry…” 

Bora squeezed her thighs softly but remained silent. She knew Bora was disoriented and how crazy she looked but this wasn’t real, it wasn’t her Bora. It didn’t matter. “God, I’m so sorry...”

“I forgive you. It’ll be okay. I forgive you.”

“But your friendship? How do you expect me to live with this burden?” Siyeon asked, her face wet with tears. 

“I-“ Bora hesitated, “I will find a way. Siyeon, if you are not ready, stay.”

“I’m not ready,” Siyeon chuckled but it was a lifeless chuckle, “Never, I’ll never be ready to be ugly or have that burden of ruining a good friendship.” Her lips trembled, she bit it to stop. “But I have to. I’ve caused you enough pain already… the least I can do is to wake up.”

“I can handle pain; you are the priority here.”

“Oh, Bora,” Siyeon smiled as she hugged the smaller girl one last time, “You’ve always been my priority. I have to be with you. You love me… Fuck you finally love me.”

“I do,” Bora reciprocated her hug tightly, “I love you,”

“I love you so much.”

She felt eager to get back to her Bora, happy to tell her she loved her just as much, happy to put an end to her suffering and start her own. Just… her only wish was a new life. A new personality where she wasn’t bothered by some bullies, where she felt actually confident and didn’t care about flaws. A life without insecurities creeping up in her head. Because she didn’t want to live that life anymore, it was so tiring… 

She didn’t know if it was possible at all, probably not. But for the first time since she got here, she didn’t hesitate. 

A crazy idea occurred to her. Could be completely wrong, or completely right. She had to take a leap of faith.

As crazy as it was.

“I have this crazy plan, Bora. It’s how I got here, maybe it’s the way out.”

“Siyeon, don’t do something impulsive alright?”

“I will find my way back to you, my love.” Siyeon got up from her lap but not without a kiss on her cheek and stood in front of the mirror to memorize her flawless, smooth face. It could be the last time she’d see it like this. Her fingertips traced a line on her cheek and somehow, for now, she didn’t care about the scar. 

“Siyeon.” 

“Bora?”

“I love you.”

To hear that at last…

“My love, I’ve loved you since high school. I’ve always thought you were meant to be with Minji, I never saw myself enough for your love but turns out you loved me too.” Siyeon laughed softly, “How crazy? We were deeply in love with each other but too scared then… I had an accident and it was too late.” 

Bora frowned. 

Siyeon continued, “But it’ll be okay right? You’ll make it okay. You will help me find what I’m good at and… and… just love me?”

“Yes.”

“I love you so much. It feels so good to finally say it out loud.” Siyeon grabbed her face between her hands, a big smile on her face. “I love you Kim Bora.” 

“Did you come with your car?” Siyeon walked towards the front door and put on her jacket. Bora threw her the keys which was caught easily on the air.

“Siyeon, be careful.”

“Funny, that’s the last thing I said to you and I ended up in a coma.” 

Siyeon’s eyes lingered on Bora before she walked out. Her eyes were widened, unsure of what to do as her friend lost her damn mind. 

“I’ll be okay, Bora. I just have to try this.” Siyeon said, mainly convincing herself. It was such a high risk but she was willing to take the risk if it meant getting back to her girl.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

With one thought in her mind only, she raced down to Bora’s car. As soon as she was on the road, she hit the gas. Going higher and higher each passing second. 

This was either a way back home or actual death. There was no in between.

After a while of circling in the streets, she made her way to the highway. She zigzagged around cars in high speed until she found what she was looking for.

In movies, they said life would flash through their eyes before death.

And it did.

She saw the moment she met Bora, the way her dimples showed when she smiled wholeheartedly and how she protected her through high school. Then she saw the moment she got accepted in Handong’s agency, she was really angry at Minji for sending a photo of her without permission because that wasn’t what she had planned for her life. But she got over it, she settled for it. She loved her best friend way too much to stay angry or disappoint her.

Her manager’s smile, her dreamy laugh could turn a rainy day into a sunny day. 

She recalled the times Bora called her beautiful which was… every day. Siyeon noticed, they weren’t subtle at all. Bora never had her eyes on Minji. It was always Siyeon. 

She’d kiss her face every day, cuddle her whenever she stayed over, make her meals, take care of her when she was too sick to move, clean her apartment if needed. 

It was always Siyeon but Siyeon was too fixated on not being enough for her love that she never noticed. 

She was so stupid.

She saw the rainy nights they’d stay in to cuddle and watch horror movies which always ended up with Siyeon screaming and turning it off. Then Bora would compromise and open an action movie with less blood.

She saw the little fights they’d have over Yoohyeon and how idiot she was to never see the jealousy and possessiveness in Bora’s eyes.

The little play dates Bora took her to cheer her up, the game nights they did just two of them, the little gifts they bought almost every week because it made them think of the other one.

The prom date. Bora had asked her to be her date with a beautiful song in Siyeon’s backyard with bunch of roses. The song was called “I’m yours” by Jason Mraz and Bora had learned to play the song with a guitar, she’d practice for months just for that night. Siyeon remembered how much she had cried that night with Bora in her arms out of joy. 

She remembered, the prom night. How they got bored of formalities and left it early to climb to the roof with a bottle of wine and a basket of snacks they’d stole from the prom. They had spent the entire night there, talking about anything and everything.   
And how stupid she was to let her just stay friends after that.

The birthday party Siyeon threw for Bora. She managed to get Bora’s idol, some famous designer, to her party. It only took couple of hundreds of texts and voice messages and harassing the assistant of the designer until she finally gave in and came to the party. 

She had never seen Bora happier. She’d do anything to keep that smile on her face. The light and happiness in her. 

The nights she’d call her mother to cry about Bora or just… talk about Bora in general.

The little touches, the little kisses and the quick glances, the little assurances they’d give to each other… it was all pure love. 

The truck got closer and closer…

Here goes nothing.

I’m coming, Bora.

And there was nothing.


	10. Forgotten

“I told you, visit when I’m not around, Minji.”

It had been weeks after Siyeon’s surgery. A month maybe? She lost the count of days. They had found the leak and it was a successful surgery. The shouts of the nurses and the doctor’s orders to prep the OR did not leave Bora’s mind for a second. It was a sight she never wanted to see ever again.

It had felt like a part of Bora was taken with her.

It took everything in her will power to not to follow them into the operation room. It was the longest two hours of her life. Minutes felt like years. When Dr. Lee stepped out of the OR with her head held down, Bora was hundred percent sure, the love of her life was gone.

Then Dr. Lee explained the situation and they managed to find the leak and fix it. Overall it was a successful surgery.

Again, all they had to do was wait.

“She had complications Bora, I’ll visit every day to see she is still here.” Minji said, her gaze still couldn’t meet Bora’s after all this time. 

Bora’s rage for her former best friend never decreased. She wanted to smack her head with a rock. All she felt was resentment, grudge, anger and hatred. 

“I don’t want to see your traitor face.” Bora said gritting her teeth. 

Tears welled in her eyes, “You won’t after she wakes up.” The older girl said under her breath.

“The sooner, the better.” 

“Bora… ple-” 

She ignored her pleading tone and turned around to find the doctor but what she found was the girlfriend of the doctor. 

“Hey Dong. What are you doing here?” Bora sat next to her boss in the waiting area and saw the younger girl’s shoulders move in a shrug. 

This took a tool on almost everybody. Even the girl with so much joy inside her looked so… devastated. Hopeless. Drained.

It was normal to feel that way when there was nothing anyone could do. They all felt paralyzed.

“I’m just… waiting.” 

“We all do.” Bora squeezed her leg in empathy and smiled softly.

“Yubin said her vitals are improving. A lot better than before.” Handong said, “But the damage on her brain keeps her up at night.”

Bora swallowed the lump on her throat. If the doctor was feeling helpless, how was she supposed to feel? 

“We will know about the damage if she can just wake up.” Handong sighed, letting her head fall on Bora’s shoulder.

“She will. She has to. There is no life without her.”

“I know, Bora, I know.”

“I never got to say ‘I love you’ to her, Dong.” Bora whispered, “She is… fragile and we – Minji and I – thought it would be best if I just let her grow and learn to love who she is.” 

The CEO lifted her head up to give Bora her full attention.

Bora continued, “Then my best friend betrayed me in the worst way possible. Despite knowing my feelings.”

“I have heard about it… from Minji. I’m sorry Bora but it seems like they were too drunk to think, it’s not anyone’s fault.” 

“Excuse me?” Bora frowned, she couldn’t believe Dong was taking that traitor’s side on this. Being drunk was just an excuse. 

“Look, nothing can justify what she did. It was wrong and she should have known better.” A pause. “But… Siyeon wanted that as much as your friend did. It’s not like Minji forced her. it was mutual.”

“Siyeon didn’t know about my feelings! Minji had known for years. Since high school!” As her temper rose, so did her voice. 

“I know but I have never seen a friendship like you two. It was strong and unbreakable. I envied that. Everyone did.” Handong laid her hand on top of Bora’s and squeezed it softly, “Bora, look at her.” 

Reluctantly, she did.

Minji was silently crying outside of Siyeon’s room, her forehead pressed against the glass. Her shoulders were violently shaking with the force of sobs. Her heart ached inside her, screamed at her to get up and comfort her. 

But then the imagines of Minji kissing and touching Siyeon in inappropriate places flooded her mind. The sadness got replaced with anger in no time. 

“She can rot in hell.” She muttered out through her clenched jaw. 

“Bora, can’t you see how much she loves Siyeon? You? How much you both need each other?” 

It was true. Not only did she cry herself to sleep at night about Siyeon but now the loss of her best friend broke her too. No one could provide the comfort Minji would. Her former best friend was her safe haven. 

“They are getting a divorce.” Bora rolled her eyes in pure anger, fists clenched shut whilst she walked back and forth in her best friend’s room. Minji’s eyes were full of sympathy. 

“Isn’t that what you wanted all along?” Minji asked carefully. 

Of course she wanted them to divorce, her parents were a disaster together but what a beautiful disaster they were. They loved their kid with all they got and never once mistreated her.

But then there were times where Bora would hear them have a screaming match in their bedroom, breaking sounds, hateful words and she’d know they were just not for each other but they held on for the sake of their kid.

These were the times she’d sneak out to spend the night in her best friend’s house not far from her home.

She’d think they’d get a divorce after she graduated from high school or after she chose a career path for herself, to stand on her feet without depending on her parents. Not when she’d have to choose a side.

Obviously, she’d choose her mother but her father had his moments. 

“Not now! I’m on my last year of high school, couldn’t they wait for at least a year?” Bora huffed, folding her arms against her chest. “I mean; I know it’s selfish to think that but ugh!” 

“Hey, it will be okay. You got me. I will always be on your side. Okay?”

With a cute pout on her lips, she straddled Minji’s lap and laid her head on the crook of her best friend’s neck, “Always?”

She chuckled and wrapped her arms tightly, protectively around the smaller girl, “Always.”

“Siyeon looked so cute today.” Bora said to change the topic before she started crying.

“Someone has a crush?” 

She smiled as her cheeks burned at the thought of the younger girl. “It could be more than a crush Minji...”

“Oh?”

“I think I love her.” Bora muttered, “I think I’m in love with her…” she smiled but then it faded. “But we are just kids… Let’s see where life will take us.”

“Yes, if you’re meant to be it will happen eventually.”

“I hope so. I can’t imagine a life without her.”

All she got as a response was a laugh from her. “I’m always going to be here, Bora. Don’t be sad. I got you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Until now. 

Now, it was just something else to cry about. She was just someone she used to love and cherish. Nothing else. 

Sure, maybe over the years she could be forgiven but it wasn’t anytime soon. 

“I only need Siyeon.” Bora said after a moment of silence.

Bora kept her eyes trained on the ground just so she wouldn’t see her ex friend crying, desperate for help. She didn’t deserve it.

“She can’t be a model anymore… can she?” Bora asked although she knew the answer.

“I don’t think she will want to be one.” 

Bora sighed in agreement. When Minji left the floor they were in, she felt the need to be with Siyeon. She hated the idea of her being all alone in the white room. What if she woke up and thought everyone had left her? 

She excused herself and made her way inside Siyeon’s room.

“Hey, it’s me again. Do you want to continue the book? I’m really curious to know what happens next.” Bora smiled at the girl lying in bed and of course got no response other than the beeping sounds from the machines. 

She had been reading her favorite book time to time. Yubin mentioned sometimes people in coma could hear the conversations.

It wasn’t scientifically proven but they’d like to think so. 

About an hour later, Bora’s throat started to feel too dry to keep up the reading so she took a small break. She grabbed her hand in hers and fought back the tears. 

“Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?” Bora pretended to laugh, “Wake up, it’s been a while. Feels like years.” 

Sighing, “I miss you so much. I miss your voice… I can’t wait to tell you how much I love you.” She said.

“I mean if you can hear me, then you already know but I’ll constantly remind you. Every day. It’s my fault I haven’t done that way sooner.” 

Bora caressed her warm hand with her thumb. “I love you, Lee Siyeon. If you’ll have me, I’ll never let you go.” 

“But if you want Minji, that’s okay too. Just keep in touch okay?” Bora murmured. Thinking of that scenario was basically a nightmare but she could endure it for Siyeon. 

She had no idea how long it had been since she sat there, holding Siyeon’s hand, quietly praying to whoever was up there that she would feel something, anything from her.

Then the unexpected happened. 

She felt it.

The slight weak movement of her hand. 

Was she hallucinating? Her eyes glued to her hand, heart in her throat, she whispered, “Siyeon?”

This time it was a weak squeeze. She wasn’t hallucinating, no, she felt it. It was there. Siyeon squeezed her hand. 

“Oh my god, I’m here, Siyeon!” Bora, hurriedly, let go of her hand to sprint out of her room to yell for a doctor or a nurse, anyone that could hear. Tears started to fall out of her eyes but it wasn’t out of sadness, it was out of hope, happiness, joy. 

She was shoved out of the way as Yubin ran inside her room.

Everything happened too fast after that. Bora watched the doctor remove the tube out of her throat, wave flashlights in her eyes, check her monitors through the glass. 

Siyeon had quite a crowd now. Her family, Bora, Minji, Yoohyeon and Handong were all watching it all like they’d gather around to watch a movie. 

Bora watched Siyeon wake up. Gradually. In movies, people that came out of coma instantly talked or knew who they were but Siyeon just looked lost. Unresponsive to everything. Couldn’t even keep her eyes open.

Everyone shed tears of happiness, hugged each other as if their favorite team had won a match. So did Bora. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the love of her life, her vision got blurry because of the tears but none of that mattered. 

Siyeon woke up. 

The tightness in her chest disappeared. The weight on her shoulders lightened. She let out a shaky breath, a breath she was holding since the moment she received her mother’s call. 

She felt like she could pass out. From holding on for months, having to stay strong for her, it all had been a lot to handle and now that Siyeon was awake, she felt like she could let go. 

The next few hours, none of them were allowed to step inside her room until they could figure out the damage her brain caused. Until Siyeon felt better and was able to speak. 

Bora waited patiently. She was eager to go in there and declare her love to awake Siyeon. 

Siyeon was looking around like a lost kid, she was shaking her head to every – what she assumed to be questions – the doctor asked. Their eyes locked through the glass and Bora sent her a heartwarming smile and wave with tears running down her cheeks. But Siyeon quickly averted her eyes to the doctor. 

It was normal to be confused after waking up from a coma, right? 

“Bora,” She heard Minji’s voice. Just like herself, her eyes were shining with tears but she had a big smile on her face.

Tossing away her grudge for a second, she threw herself in her best friend’s arms and held her as tight as humanly possible. 

"She woke up..." Bora whispered.

“She came back to you.” Minji replied shakily. 

When the door opened, all eyes turned to Dr. Lee in apprehension. 

“I have bad and good news.” Dr. Lee said softly after closing the door behind her, letting the nurses take care of Siyeon.

“When can we see her?” Bora asked, an eternal smile played on her lips along with the tears streaming down her cheeks. 

But with every word the doctor said, her dreams and hopes crushed hard on the ground.

“I’m afraid not now. Good news is she is awake. Bad news is, she uh…” Dr. Lee’s eyes roamed between everyone but settled on Bora in the end. “I’ve stated that I was afraid of the brain damage. It seems like she is suffering from post-traumatic amnesia.” 

Scowling, “What do you mean?” Minji muttered.

“I mean she has no sense of who she is, where she is, what year it is, her family, her friends. Her memory is wiped clean.” 

That’d mean… Bora was forgotten too? 

“In most cases it is temporary.”

“Most cases?” Bora whispered, she was about to pass out from the anxiety of being forgotten before she could even... confess.

“It is rare but she got a really strong blow to the head. It could be permanent.” Dr. Lee smiled slightly, “Her brain is trying to cope with the injuries. She is extremely disoriented and It will take a while for her to stay awake and function again.”

Memories could come back, dead people couldn’t. So she held onto that hope. 

“Recovery will be gradual and tough so prepare yourselves for that but she is off the hook. You can visit in few days. Please do not try to put memories in her head. Don’t force her to remember. Just be a friend. Talk. Stay calm. Go and rest. You all need it.” 

“How long will it last?” Bora bit her lip nervously, “Few days?”

“Sadly, there is no way of knowing exactly how long it would last.”

With happiness and hope came fear. Frightened about what was to come, afraid of being completely forgotten. Bora felt the exhaustion hit her hard as she laid on Dong’s couch. 

She didn’t know what was worse, being forgotten and make new memories with her, disregarding their beautiful past.

Or.

Being left behind.

If Siyeon couldn’t remember her life, then it’d mean she wouldn’t remember Bora and everything they’ve been through as kids and adults. Their beautiful past. Their undeniable love they had neglected extremely. 

“Come on, let’s get you out of bed, shall we?” Bora tried for the third time but Siyeon made no effort to move, just buried herself deeper under the blankets she hid herself under.

Siyeon had tripped on her own foot during a runway today. In her life, in her mind, there was no room for mistakes. 

“Siyeonnie, it was just a mistake,” 

She grunted in response. 

Sighing, Bora pull up the blanket and laid right next to her, their faces inches away. Siyeon’s eyes were closed and her cheeks were wet because of the tears. Bora smiled softly. Even while she cried, she looked so damn beautiful. It was hard to resist the need to kiss her.

“Hey, beautiful.” 

“Stop it,” Siyeon whispered, “I’m not beautiful, I’m a failure. Handong will definitely fire me.” 

“You are beautiful and Handong would never fire her supermodel.” Bora assured her as she wiped her tears.

“I-I am such an embarrassment.” She sniffled, “I’m sorry.”

“You are not.” Bora snarled, “Why are you sorry?”

The pout on her lips were too irresistible. Bora had to bite her lip to stop herself from kissing her. 

“For- for being-“

“Don’t you say that.”

Silence. 

“Embarrassment.” Siyeon murmured under her breath which caused Bora to roll her eyes and take the blanket off of them. She grabbed Siyeon’s hand and pulled her up on her feet. 

“Enough pity party. I heard there is an ice skating park. Let’s go there.” 

“But-“

“For me? Won’t you do that for me?” 

Bora knew, the younger girl had a soft spot for her. Sometimes, Bora was the only one that could calm her down, or make her do anything. She could see the battles in Siyeon’s eyes. Debating whether to cave in or keep being stubborn.

“Fine.”

When they arrived at the ice skating park, Bora helped her put on the skates they borrowed since Siyeon just sat there and moped. But Bora was determined to make her smile, she’d make a fool out of herself if needed.

Bora secured the helmet on her head and gave her the gloves which the younger girl reluctantly put on. 

“I fell on my ass on the runway, now I’ll fall on my ass here.” Siyeon muttered, her tone grumpy. 

Bora chuckled, “I’ll catch you if you fall okay?” 

She used to take figure skating lessons as a child. No, she wasn’t really interested in it but some things stayed or she hoped it did, it had been years since she stepped on ice. Like bicycle riding, right?

Siyeon huffed and held Bora’s hand tightly as they stepped on the ice, immediately losing her balance with a scream. Bora had to wrap her arm around her waist to support her, to keep her from falling on her ass as promised.

After few more balance problems, Siyeon got used to at least slide with Bora’s dragging. “Not bad, see?” 

“I guess,” Siyeon replied, still grumpy but Bora noticed the twitch on her lips. Bora let go of her hand to make a fool out of herself to finally see that breathtaking smile of hers. She spun around few times and watched her lips curve into a full smile. Yes!

With the encouragement, she sped up her pace to do a cool stop right in front of Siyeon but it ended with her not stopping on time, landing on Siyeon’s body causing both of them to fall on their asses. It was good for a second, they laughed till their stomach started to hurt then the pain kicked in for both of them. 

The owner had to call an ambulance for them, they both fractured their ankles. Overall, it was a good thing they did because for the next week, they didn’t leave bed. Minji took care of them, cook for them, helped them bathe. The two just cuddled in bed, watching movies and playing games all three together. It was the happiest time of their lives.

Bora wouldn’t trade them for anything.

Uncertainty and expectancy was quite a bitch. 

Fear overshadowed happiness.

But Yubin mentioned it could also be temporary, her memories could come back after a while. Maybe tomorrow maybe a year later but it could happen. 

It seemed like the doctor had every right to be anxious about the brain damage. 

Handong made her presence known with a soft cough. “What are you thinking? I can hear you think from my bedroom.”

“What do you think?” It wasn’t a question.

Handong lifted up her legs to sit on the other side of the couch and laid her legs on her lap. “She woke up, Bora. You can make new memories.”

“And what if she doesn’t want me?” 

“I doubt it. If you could see the way she used to look at you, you’d know her love is buried deep, you just have to dig it out.” 

“I’m scared, Dongie…” Bora said weakly. She switched her position to lay her head on the younger girl’s lap. It was no Minji, her best friend’s embrace was enough to make her worries disappear but it wasn’t an option right now. Plus, Minji had been inviting Yoohyeon to stay the night ever since she moved out to crash on Handong’s couch.

No matter how much she needed Minji, she wasn’t ready. 

“It will be okay. Right now, just be there for her through the recovery. Yubin said it might take few days for her to function right?” Handong said, stroking her hair softly.

Bora gave her a small nod and closed her eyes, pretending that it was her best friend’s fingers instead. God, she missed her… maybe a phone call wouldn’t hurt. Just to hear her voice for few seconds to ease her mind. She could be mad afterwards. 

“Where is Yubin?”

“She is staying with Siyeon today, to make sure everything is okay.” Handong told her.

“I’ll be back,” She grabbed her phone and excused herself to go to bathroom. Just a second, she wouldn’t call for long. She just needed her assurance, that it’d be okay. 

She dialed her number and Minji picked up before it even rang as if she was waiting for it by the phone. “Bora?” 

Silence.

She didn’t even know what to say but hearing her voice was enough. “Bora?” Minji repeated herself. 

“It will be okay, right?” she managed to say, her tone lower than a whisper.

“Yes, it will be okay.” Minji said, “She woke up, Bora.” 

“She doesn’t remember anything…” A hidden word behind her sentence. Me. 

“She will remember in time. The important thing is she is alive.” 

“What if-“

“Don’t say that, Bora. It’s the worst case scenario.”

“It is a possibility.” 

“Long shot. Come on, remember the times we binge watched Greys Anatomy because of Siyeon, people who were suffering from amnesia remembered their lives in time. Even in Fast and Furious, Letty remembered Dom.”

“While his life was in jeopardy. Should I crash my car too?” 

A soft laugh, “Too soon to joke about that, don’t you think?” 

“Yeah, sorry.” She sighed, “I just want to talk to her.”

“You will, we will in few days. Give her time.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry to bother you so late.” 

“I’m always here for you, Bora.” Minji sniffled, “I miss you.” 

Another long silence. 

“I hate you, Minji.” 

“I know…” 

“Did I not matter to you? How could you do this to me?”

“I’m so sorry, Bora, I shouldn’t have drunk that much… or I should’ve done it alone, you mean the world to me…” Minji was openly crying now, her sobs soft and tiny, just like her tone. It broke her heart but it didn’t ease the anger.

“I couldn’t even tell her, I love her. Now, she doesn’t remember me. I will never be able to tell her because it’d be like forcing her to love me. I can’t do that.”

“I know, but I know she must have a remaining of herself… deep down. She may even remember tomorrow. We don’t know.”

“Minji, am I a bad person for wanting her to only remember me?” Bora paused, “She is… she is free from the insecurities… the bullies… her depression?”

“She wasn’t depressed though.” Minji wiped her nose audibly, “But no you are not a bad person. I’ve always felt like I forced her into this life. It’s nice she will get to choose this time.”

“Well you did.”

A sigh, “I know, Bora.”

“She wasn’t depressed but she hated being a model but she couldn’t quit because she had no idea who she was outside of it. She was scared.”

“Now it’s all gone. She can have a chance to build herself into a completely new person and be what she wants to be. Be her true self. Without the insecurities.”

“But she may never love me… be with me… she might-“ A lone tear streamed down her cheek, “She might leave me.”

“You can make her love you again.”

“How do I know you won’t fuck her again?” Bora said, her tone sharp.

“Bora, I will never. Not again. I am so sorry…” 

“Good night, Minji.” 

Okay, she felt a little better. It’d be okay. Dom in Fast and Furious never forced Letty to remember, he was just there, didn’t even tell her they were married. Bora would gain her love again; they would make beautiful memories again. 

As she laid on the couch and curled like a ball under the blankets, she felt light as a feather. Tomorrow was a mystery and uncertain but now… now she could have a nice long sleep without having to think if she would wake up to a world without Siyeon. 

Hopefully without any nightmares.

Siyeon woke up.


End file.
